Month: November 2019

Dear Diary …

Some things just don’t belong in this world, but for whatever reason, some people just don’t get it and they do it anyway. But fear not, Diary, I am here to make the new mandates and hopefully make people aware of how badly they’re screwing up.

Today in Zackmerica I am here to announce the ban … the ban on couple shopping together at the grocery store. I know, you think “Oh it’s cute, we’re a couple and we’re shopping together,” but I’m gonna give you a harsh dose of reality … all you actually are is “in the way.”

Because it’s the same thing every time … You got a husband pushing a cart around with a totally lost look on his face. Like he was a caveman who just got unfrozen from a block of ice and the first thing they did was take him to the grocery store to move this metal basket with wheels around for cave lady wife. Then you have cave lady wife basically barking orders at the caveman and telling him what to do because he doesn’t know what they need or where anything is.

And the worst part … y’all are just in the way. The grocery store is not a place to walk around side by side. Grocery store aisles are a two lane street … one lane for each direction. And you two wandering minstrels are blocking traffic and slowly drifting thru life. Some of us just wanna buy some tortillas and get the heck out of here. This. This is why I ClickList.

Moving on Diary … Since I’m already in the world of groceries and food, can we all just band together and put an end to these stupid serving sizes that we let products get away with?

Take a container of broth for example (I know, very exciting, but it proves my point) … pretty much all containers of broth say, “contains about two cups.” About two cups? Why are we allowing that as an acceptable amount? Either be two cups, or don’t be two cups!

And furthermore, if you pour out that broth (which I have because I’m lame), you get one and three quarter cups. That’s not “about two cups,” that’s one and three quarter cups. I mean … if you have one and three quarter arms, I bet you don’t feel like you have “about two arms.”

Just put two cups in the container! Is that so hard?

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Dear Diary …

The world is full of thieves. People are constantly trying to steal stuff from you … money, personal information, your valuables. Now … a lot these thieves get caught, which is certainly a good thing. And yet … there is one group of thieves that is basically going unpunished, and this is just downright WRONG. Yeah … you know who you are … women and children!

“Oh no! There’s danger! Save the women and children first!”

Oh whatever! You mean “save the thieves first?” Because that’s actually what they are.

Thieves. Specifically “Charger Thieves.”

Men … you can be rest assured … if you have a phone charger and you aren’t guarding it with your life … it will eventually be stolen by some woman or child when they come across it.

In my kitchen we have two chargers. Chargers that are to be used for my kids’ iPads. And with those chargers comes one rule … leave these chargers right here and never take them anywhere else. Oh who am I kidding? There’s no rule. I may TRY to have that rule, but every time I go to that counter … ain’t no chargers there.

Where are the chargers?

“Oh it’s in my room so I could charge my iPad?”

Um … why aren’t you charging it here like you’re supposed to?

“I don’t know”

And where’s the other charger?

“Oh it’s in my car.”

Why aren’t you using your own charger?

“I don’t know.”

Thieves! The whole lot of ‘em. And it doesn’t stop there. They steal mine all the time too. Oh but yours was closer. So? Go get your own ya thief! Because the same thing happens every time … I can’t find the chargers and nobody seems to know where they are or what happened to them.

And if I had to guess … they’re probably in the same place as all those tupperware lids that seem to go missing and are never matched up to any of the containers in the drawer.

You’re a bunch of thieves and you know it!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Dear Diary …

There are some things people do … that me personally … I don’t get it. But hey … if you wanna do it … that’s fine, but you still gotta have some guidelines. For example … vanity license plates.

I gotta be honest … before I moved to Virginia … I had never really seen a whole lot of these things because they were expensive to get. So nobody got ’em. But then I moved here, and for whatever reason, it was WAY cheaper to do them. So …. Everybody was doing them.

And like I said … not for me. I just can’t think of anything that I would want broadcast on my car all day, every single day. I can’t possibly have that consistent of a mood or outlook on life to be saddled by the EXACT same message to the world every day. I mean … I’m a Red Sox fan. But there are some days I’m kinda mad at them and don’t really want to give them a shout out. And I’m also “Dad of 2” … but you know what? Sometimes those kids are little jerkheads and they don’t earn those kind of props.

But hey … if you wanna do it … that’s fine. But we need some guidelines here people. In particular … you gotta pay attention to what other people see and whether or not we can even figure out what the heck you’re trying to say.

I say a license plate the other day, and I tried REAL hard to figure it out, and the best I could come up with was that it said “dillweed.” That’s right … Dillweed.

So now I’m left here wondering … did this guy knowingly put dillweed on his car? Is it supposed to say something else and I can’t figure it out? Is he a really big fan of his herb garden? Or maybe he’s just some dude named Chad who knows deep down that he’s a dillweed? I need answers people!!! Please tell me Dillweed … WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN???

You see Diary? Too many questions … and no answers whatsoever. You wanna have a funny plate? Fine … but if I don’t know what it means … then what’s the point?

“Well I know what it is.”

Yeah buy if only YOU know … then you could just keep that thought in your head and not broadcast it to anybody.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Dear Diary …

Sometimes words are perfectly fine when they are used on their own … like the words “wait” … or “what?” These are seemingly innocent words that aren’t really that big of a deal. But … when you put them together, they become “the worst!” At least they are when my kids use them.

“Wait … what?”

Yup that’s their catch all phrase to interject themselves into all of the conversations that weren’t any of their business. If my wife and I are having a conversation in the kitchen, and they come walking in …

“Wait … what? Who are you talking about?”

Nobody you know.

“Yeah but what are they doing?”

Nothing that’s any of your business either!

What is the deal with kids? Why are they so dang nosy? You’re nine … you don’t need to be part of every conversation I have.

And what’s worse is when you’re ACTUALLY trying to talk to them … because then it’s …

[[[SILENCE]]]

“What?”

OK I take it back … that word “what?” can be pretty annoying on its own as well.

Moving on Diary … I try not to do a lot of traffic rants because … quite frankly … you could just do the same rants over and over again every single week and it won’t make any difference. That said … here I am!

And here’s my question … why does nobody seem to know what those lines in the middle of the road mean? Granted, there are different lines that mean different things, but they also all have one similar meaning … my side of the road and your side of the road.

This seems simple, doesn’t it?

Then why does it feel like every time I’m driving, there’s somebody flagrantly violating this seemingly simple rule of the road and have half their car barreling directly at me like a 4,000 pound missile? Now I’m diving off the side of the road hoping my wheel doesn’t fall off into some sort of ditch …

“Oh but there’s a car parked on my side of the road.”

Well good for you … then wait till I’m gone and THEN you can go careening all over the place.

Driving ain’t that hard people … stay in your lane and don’t crash into anyone. That’s pretty much it. And yet … here we are … doing “not that.”

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.