Month: February 2021

Dear Diary …

You know how they always say things like “Respect Your Elders” and “Honor thy Forefathers?” Well I gotta tell ya … I’m not so sure. I mean yeah … we can respect previous generations. Absolutely. We should respect EVERY generation. Even those no good rotten Millennials deserve respect!

And really I kid about that. Millennials get a bad rap … “Oh they’re just a lazy generation that’s young and dumb and doesn’t wanna work.” That is EVERY generation when they’re young. Cuz when you’re young … you’re dumb … and you don’t wanna work! I promise you there were 16 year olds in the Greatest Generation that were all, “Maaaaa … I don’t wanna go work in the fields. I’m just gonna sit here and look at the box of sticks I use as toys.” Every generation is lazy when they’re young … it’s part of being young.

Oh and by the way … to all of you that keep posting that dumb thread about “it’s a fact that my generation was the last one to play outside and we didn’t have a phone in our hands all the time.” Oh please! I’m in that generation, and you know what we loved, watching tons of TV, playing video games, and talking on the phone until our parents yanked the cord out of the wall. Not to mention the fact that you probably posted that status on your Facebook page FROM YOUR PHONE and then sat there all day hittin’ refresh to see how many likes it got.

OK … but I’m getting sidetracked here. “Respect Your Elders” … why?

Sure … they did some things, but you ever tried to get plumbing and electrical fixed in your house when it was built by one of these old coot generations? What was wrong with these people? It was as if their goal was to make sure all plumbing and electrical was done in a way that it was impossible to get to later if you needed to fix it, and everything was installed at an angle that no tool can actually reach.

Why I gotta respect these people that treated the inner workings of my house like it was a funhouse maze that some poor future generation … i.e. ME … had to figure out? See? This is what happens when people don’t have video games. They treat the homebuilding process like it’s a video game and they’re hidin’ Easter eggs all throughout the walls.

“Respect Your Elders” … FAHHH! And don’t even get me started on the Forefathers. I don’t know why people get so uptight about the Constitution. Yeah … it’s got some important stuff in there, but it was also written 250 years ago. I don’t even trust a cookbook that was written in 1987, so why am I gonna trust a document that was written during a time where guys thought it was cool to wear wigs and have wooden teeth? That’s like taking your investment advice from that weird man that sits on the bench outside the post office.

You wanna do that? Good luck! I’m all for learning from older generations, but let’s also not forget these are the people that thought you should put leeches on your body when you didn’t feel good.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Dear Diary …

I would start this by saying “We’re all doing our best right now,” but I think we all know that ain’t true. I mean, I’M doing my best. And some of you out there are doing your best. But then there’s the rest of you.

And I would say, “you know who you are,” but those people never know who they are. You say “you know who you are,” and you can look right at those people and they will look around the room like, “Huh … I wonder who we’re talking about that’s in here? And it’s so weird because there’s nobody else in here. Must mean we’re talking about somebody else in some other room. Huh.”

And if you need an example of how oblivious they truly are … just go to the grocery store. Because there you are … doing your best … trying to respect everybody’s bubble. So when that old lady opens the fridge to the milk … and stands there … and stands there … and stands there.

It’s MILK!!!!! It’s not like one of them is milk and the other one is diet milk and a third one is nacho cheese milk … it’s one milk. ONE MILK!!!!

So there you are … like an idiot … just waiting for her to move so you can grab your milk. Meanwhile … plenty of other people who also aren’t “doing their best” are sliding right in next to old lady and grabbing everything they want because they don’t care about no bubble either. I mean is everybody thinking “You must be letting everybody cut you … cool thanks!”

OK … moving on Diary … since there’s no helping those people, let me at least give some advice that can help somebody out there who’s paying attention. It’s parenting advice. If you have kids … or ever plan on having kids some day … he’s a very helpful piece of advice. Never give them the freedom of choice. Ever.

Kids don’t need choices because they’re never going to do it right. If you have a kid and you give them a choice … hey do you want pancakes or waffles? They’re gonna spend the next … um … eternity … sitting there trying to decide. “I’m thinking!” How long are you thinking??? It’s a simple choice!!! And never … and I repeat … NEVER give them a choice at the store unless you are a sadistic person who likes punishing yourself. Don’t believe me? Take them to the gum aisle and let them try to pick one pack of gum. See you in a month!

And if you have two kids … then DEFINITELY don’t give them a choice of anything because all you’re ever going to get is one of them picking something, and then the other one picking the exact opposite just to cause a fight with their sibling.

My family has gone thru every movie ever released by Hollywood. And I don’t mean that we’ve watched any of them … we’ve just ruled them all out because we were stupid enough to give the kids a choice of movies, so if one kid says ‘I want to watch that,” the other says “Noooo … I don’t want to watch that movie!!!” And then both of those movies are eliminated for all of time, and then every movie on Earth gets the same treatment.

People always act like, “oh we need to have freedom for everything!” I’m not so sure we do. Kids in China just do what they’re told and don’t ask questions cuz they ain’t allowed. I’m not so sure that’s a bad thing. Just sayin’

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Dear Diary …

Men and women are different creatures.  There’s is no disputing that.  And for the most part … let’s all be honest here … women are better creatures.  Better looking … better smelling … not as hairy.  We men … we’re gross.  And mostly dumb, too.  I will freely admit that.

That said … there ARE some ways that men are better than women.  So ladies … don’t be gettin’ all mad at me here.  I just said how awesome y’all are.  But you also ain’t perfect.

There is one way that men are, as a whole, better than women.  And this is not up for debate!  I’ve watched it my entire life.  So I ain’t putin’ forth no opinion here … I’m just relaying a fact based on my observation.

When it comes to tedious and unpleasant things … men revert back to their animal instincts.  They hide what’s bothering them from everyone else around them, they find a hidden spot in the woods, and they die there.  We don’t let anybody else know what’s going on and we just hide it from everyone.  

And while from a psychological standpoint that’s probably … like … terrible or something, on the flip side, from a “having to listen to other people’s crap” standpoint … it’s awesome.  You just go over there suffer silently and don’t force the rest of us to have to hear about it. Thank you.

Women on the other hand?  Oh they wanna make sure that they drag you along for the looooong … painfullll …. journey.

My wife has decided to go back to school … and I applaud that decision.  Kickin’ butt and takin’ names!  But it also means that every time she has homework … dumb tedious homework … now I gotta suffer through homework too.  I didn’t sign up for no schoolin’ …. So why I gotta ride the homework pain train?

“Hey do you know how to do this chemistry equation?”

Chemistry equation?  Girl the last time I took chemistry AOL was still cool.  I gotta set reminders in my phone so I don’t forget to pick my kids up from school. You think I’m gonna what C times B over D is gonna equal?  If the answer ain’t “CBD oil” … then I don’t know.

And this is not new … this has been my entire life interacting with women.  I had a girlfriend back in the day who used to call me when she was at work because she was bored.

I’d be home … playing video games and having a blast … and then …

[sigh] “I’m bored.”

OK great … well now I’m bored too!  So now what?  And she’d make me sit there … for what felt like hours.  Because if she was gonna be bored, well then she was gonna make darn well sure that I was bored too.

I don’t know why you ladies insist on it, but you wanna make sure that if you’re miserable in any way, we’re gonna be sharing in that misery whether we like it or not.  And because we’re dumb (and we like nudity), we put it up with it.  [grunt grunt grunt]

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.