Tag: rant

The Insignificant Champion of the World

The Insignificant Champion of the World

Dear Diary …

Over the weekend I went to the Starcade, that’s a retro video arcade with all the old school games. So … while I was there I played Ms. Pacman. Kids … if you’re unfamiliar with Ms. Pacman, it’s just like Fortnite except that it’s absolutely nothing like Fortnite and the graphics are bad and the game is goofy. But when I was kid, it was the best we had and we were freakin’ thrilled to play it.

And Diary … let me just say … I was really flippin’ good at Ms. Pacman back in the day. I’m talking put one quarter in, play for a half hour and destroy the high score (whatever it was). At one point in my life, any time I was in an airport, I would find the random corner where they had a Ms. Pacman video game.

For whatever reason, pretty much every airport had a Ms. Pacman game. So I’d find it on my layover, sit there and crush the high score, and then go on my merry way. I’m dead serious … Philly, Charlotte, Pittsburgh, Boston, Chicago, New York City … your boy Zack Jackson had the high score in all of em.

So I played it again over the weekend … hadn’t really played in years. And let me just say … I am still pretty freakin’ awesome at Ms. Pacman. Didn’t even play my best game and still beat the high score by 100,000 points.

So here’s my question … what the heck, God? This? THIS is my talent? Tom Brady plays football like it’s a symphony. Adele has the voice of an angel. Leo DiCaprio is an amazing actor who creates masterful movies. And here I am … [[MUNCH MUNCH MUCH]] … gobblin’ up little white pellets on an old ass computer screen from an obsolete game from 1984. Whoopity doo!!!

I mean God forbid I have that skill be applied to like … oh I don’t know … managing my financial portfolio. Or at the very least something useful like how to fix the stupid water dispenser on my fridge that’s broken right now. Nahhh … [[MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH]]

And furthermore … why is it that 30 years later my brain can still remember how to crush a game of Ms. Pacman but I can’t remember pick my kid up from school on time without setting an alarm? You know … for an organ that claims to be the smartest one in our body … the brain really is a stupid squishy blob of idiot a lot of the time.

This is why I drink. Not because it does my brain any good … but if that thing isn’t going to apply itself anyway and use any of the available brain cells, who really cares if I kill them with a few gin and tonics? Thanks for nothing brain!

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye.

The Parking Lot Waltz

The Parking Lot Waltz

Dear Diary …

I don’t mind a little singin’ and dancin’ … granted I can’t even figure out how to properly Floss, but if you can pull it off … more power to ya. That said … there’s a time and a place for singin’ and dancin’ … especially dancin’ … and that place is NOT the parking lot at the grocery store.

And I know what you’re thinking … “Who’s twerking in the parking lot at the grocery store?” First of all … nobody. Second … that one I’d probably be OK with … because what I’m not OK with is the parking lot waltz.

You know the parking lot waltz … even if you don’t think you do.

It’s when you’re trying to drive to a parking space, and the person walking in front of your car in your way is [[music]] … doing a long … slow … diagonal waltz thru the parking lot. Not a care in the world. And clearly not in a hurry to get anywhere.

You JUST saw me one second ago when you walked in front of my car … but now … [[music]] … that car must’ve just disappeared behind me.

Look … I don’t advocate for running anybody over … but somebody like this at least deserves a light tap to remind them that they are on foot and may want to get out of the way of the giant car. I’m just looking for a little hustle, man. Well … that and a straight line. Walk in it.

Moving on Diary …

I understand this is irrational anger … OK … everything in the Anger Diary is irrational anger … so too bad … we’re here now … I hate “mug cake.” That’s right … mug cake! Really I hate any time the kids discover some sort of food and drink concoction online and then start trashing my kitchen with it, but mug cake is the WORST. Because now they basically just dump some flour, sugar, and chocolate into a mug … and onto the counter … and onto the floor. And then heat it up in the microwave to explode everywhere and make a giant mess.

And somehow they think mug cake also defies the laws of snacks and desserts. Two o’clock in the afternoon …

“What are you doing?”

“Making mug cake.”

“It’s two o’clock in the afternoon. That’s not a snack. That’s a dessert.”

“Yeah but it’s mug cake.”

Hate you mug cake! And especially hate you afterward because that black, over-microwaved chocolate never wants to come off any of the mugs. And yes … I know the kids should clean it themselves, but they conveniently “forget” every single time.

If I told them, I’ll give you $20 if you remind me at exactly 8:47 two weeks from next Thursday … oh they got that one memorized … but “rinse your dishes” … [charlie brown mumbles]

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Zack’s Solves the Supply Chain Crisis

Zack Solves the Supply Chain

Dear Diary …

I am here today to solve the global supply chain crisis. That’s right. ME! Not our world leaders or tech CEO Gods … they’re all busy fightin’ each other or flyin’ into space or whatever. So instead you get … this guy … radio man in southwest Virginia. And while that doesn’t seem like a big enough man for the job, sometimes it just takes one little guy to make a big difference.

OK … here goes … here’s how we solve the supply chain issues …

Stop making new stuff.

There you go … problem solved!

Here’s a little pro tip from a total amateur … if you’re the company that makes Triscuits. And you can’t keep regular Triscuits on the shelves … you don’t need to introduce things like pumpkin spice flavored Triscuits. Nobody wants those anyway!

Just make … gasp … regular Triscuits. In this time of crisis, ain’t nobody looking for “cracked black pepper” anyway.

And if you make white chocolate flavored anything … just stop. The world don’t want your flavor. Spend that time making regular chocolate or just branch out and make car microchips or something. We need those way more than white chocolate anyway.

People … there’s a reason why we’re never out of cauliflower crust pizzas at the store … they’re stupid! Just make the things we actually want and need … and then maybe someday down the road you can have silly extra side products.

And for the love of God we need more regular alcohol at the store! Have you watched the news sober? OK to be fair I don’t recommend watching the news drunk either … but you definitely don’t wanna watch it sober.

We don’t need cotton candy flavored vodka right now … we need whiskey. More whiskey!

There. Supply chain crisis solved. If you’re a company that makes something people want or need … just make it. Don’t be wasting your time on flashy “new and improved” stuff. We just want “old and the same” and we want to see it on the shelves when we get there.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.