Dear Diary …
So if you’ve been hanging around on social media the past few days … and let’s be honest … you’ve been doing NOTHING but hanging around on social media the past few days. What the heck else you gonna do? Read?
I mean … I feel like this counts as reading. I’ve read like 5 books in the past week. It’s just that each chapter is the length of a Facebook post. Because it is a Facebook post. My post. Your post. Everybody else’s post. It’s the world we’re in right now … It’s all we got!
So one thing that has been popping off is this whole “Unpopular Opinions” thing where people list off things they dislike that most people like. First of all … I gotta figure out how to sue the universe for plagiarism for this thing because it’s … well … THIS ANGER DIARY and I’ve been doing it since MySpace was a thing. So step off Facebook!
I mean … for how many years have I been telling everyone that I just don’t really like superhero movies? Look … I get it … they’re super popular. Actually … you know what? I DON’T get it. Why are they so popular? “Oh it’s just the story and the action … it’s so awesome!”
Oh whatever. Here … let me give you every superhero movie ever made … you got some guy or gal that’s all messed up from their childhood or some divorce or some bully … then they touch a nuclear bug or get struck by lightning or something … then they’re a superhero who fights some bad guy who then kills their favorite person in the whole wide world, which causes them to “find themselves” and overcome the adversity and eventually defeat said bad guy. Ta-dah! There’s your superhero movie. Then you just add in a catchy title like Captain Super Bat Woman Panther Alliance or whatever and you’re all set! It’s not that they’re all terrible. It’s just that they’re all the same.
I tell you what I have learned in all this … don’t be the person that the superhero likes more than anybody else in the world. Cuz you is DEAD. You’re the horror movie equivalent of that first sexy sorority girl who decides to go take a shower at the beginning of the movie. Adios dodo!
Another area where my unpopular opinions are well documented is food because … well … I’m a rotten food snob. And it’s not so much that I’m a snob, it’s more that I just have better taste than everybody else and know what’s good and bad. Oh … wait. Yeah … OK. Snob. But at least I own it, right?
My dislike of cheesecake is well documented. As is my hatred of going to lunch in general because of the time it wastes and how everybody just eats too much and totally ruins themselves for the rest of the day.
But today I’m here to point out a slightly more sinister food devil … sweet potato fries. Sweet potato fries are extra evil because they try to trick you and make you think they’re just like french fries. “Look at me … I’m a french fry, but I’m even better because I’m a healthy SWEET potato and not a bad bad regular potato.”
First of all … don’t gimme those lies. You ain’t healthy. You’re fried just like any other french FRY. I don’t care what food it is … a potato, kale, a piece of lettuce, or a vitamin. Once you fry it, it’s as unhealthy as anything else you drop in a vat of hot oil.
And second … sweet potatoes stink. Most of the time they’re just sad mushy monsters that don’t taste as good as real french fries, and also have a color that resembles a highlighter that you would use for correcting a 7th grade book report.
And again … it’s not that I HATE the sweet potato, but there’s something about it that I just can’t seem to put my finger on. It’s kinda just stringy and weird and I would choose about 700 other different food items first. I mean, NEVER in my entire life have I said “man I’m craving a sweet potato!” Has ANYBODY ever said that? I doubt it. It’s like saying, “man I’m craving some low-fat cheese right now.” There’s just no point!
And hey … maybe you like these things that I’m talking about. You’re absolutely entitled to your opinion. It’s wrong. But it’s YOURS, and you’re allowed.
Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.