Dear Diary …
I can tell you this much … If I ever lose my mind, it will be caused by the children. I think I can keep it together for pretty much everything else, but those tiny little monsters will eventually be the thing that leaves me curled up in the closet in my guest bedroom, hugging my knees and muttering, “Can’t sleep, kids’ll eat me. Can’t sleep, kids’ll eat me.”
My son is a master of mind torture. Diary … this weekend I spent five hours trying to get him to clean up his LEGOs. And just like with any kid chore, it wasn’t a five hour chore, it was a 20 minute chore that they manage to drag out for five hours while they whine and complain about having to do it.
“I need help … I can’t do it all by myself … it’s too hard!”
You had no problem messing it up by yourself, so remind me again why it’s my responsibility to help you? My kids are thrilled to remind me every time, “oh that’s not MY mess, I don’t need to clean it up,” but apparently those rules don’t apply to Dad … aka … “The Help.”
Oh and let’s not forget this … From the second they wake up, until the second you finally get them to go to sleep, children have a seemingly endless supply of energy … unless you ask them to do a chore. Suddenly … their legs are broken. Wobbly and weaker than a newborn baby horse.
“But Daddy … I’m sooooo tired. I can’t move my legs.”
Of course, if the sound of the ice cream man happened to appear, they’d be sprinting down the street faster than Usain Bolt, but in the meantime … “I don’t know how to walk anymore.”
And they always know how to win … just keep fighting and whining until you either lose your mind and help them, or simply run out of time in the day. We had a party to go to at 5 o’clock … and darnit I ain’t missing no party. I didn’t leave my LEGOs all over the living room floor … I ain’t being punished!
See … this is why it should be socially acceptable to leave a 5 year old locked in a house all by himself. Curse you societal rules of good parenting!
OK … moving on Diary … The Secret One-Sided Conversation. Why do people do this?
Oh I’m sorry … let me explain.
Let’s say you’re me, and you’re laying in bed next to somebody … who for the purposes of this discussion we will call, “My Wife” … And while she’s laying there and looking at something on her phone she’ll say, “Oh wow … I can’t believe that.”
And that’s it. That’s the end of the Secret One-Sided Conversation.
BELIEVE WHAT, WOMAN???
If you’re gonna throw that out there, I should not be obligated to go through the ridiculous formality of, “What can’t you believe?” Just out with it!!!
Or this …
Looking on your phone … “HAHAHA … That’s funny.”
WHAT IS FUNNY????
WHERE IS THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS CONVERSATION?!?!?!?
Would ya just spit it out, please? Or just … oh I don’t know … say it to yourself in your head if you ain’t gonna let me in on it!
Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.