The $27,000 Trash Can

Dear Diary …

I have something shocking to reveal about myself. Never in my life did I think I’d become a person of such excess and extravagance, but it is true and I need to accept it and confess it to you. I own a $27,000 trash can.

Crazy right? You probably think I’m making this up, but it is totally true. I never thought I’d get to a position of riches where I would own a $27,000 trash can. And even if I DID end up gettin’ that rich, I still never thought I’d be a person who would spend $27,000 on just a trash can.

But friends … it’s true.

Now … I should point out that this trash can wasn’t originally branded and sold as a trash can, it was initially referred to as something called “a car.”

I originally purchased it with the plans of using it for it’s intended goal … to be a car … but I see now after driving my children all around town for the past six months, this large metallic object on four wheels isn’t actually a car to them, rather a large moving receptacle that is available for all of their filth and garbage.

This car ain’t even that old and there’s just trash all over the place. And muddy footprints on the door and one of the seats has some kind of stickiness on it … almost like syrup. Who had syrup in the car? At no time did I serve pancakes in this automobile, so where did this syrup-like substance even come from???

And don’t even go in the trunk … because that’s actually a $27,000 gym locker filled with baseball equipment, wrestling shoes, gross socks and God knows what else. Actually … God probably doesn’t know what else, cuz he ain’t stickin’ his holy nose in that nasty funkbox to find out.

These monsters simply don’t care! And what gets me the most is they come in the car with a drink or a snack or something, and when they leave the car, they just leave the trash. They don’t even give it a second thought. Empty chip bag can actually be IN their hands and they’ll just toss it on the floor and walk out.

And whatever jerk invented those pouches on the back of the chair … Henry Ford or whoever … yeah I hate that guy. All he did was invent a hidey hole of rotting garbage that you’ll never be able to get fully clean since there’s no way to scoop out all the nastiness that collects in there.

I mean if you told me as a kid that I’d own a $27,000 trash can, I’d be all excited because I’d think I was loaded. Meanwhile I’m scrapin’ together coins just to buy a dozen eggs at the store because they’re about as absurdly priced as this $27,000 trash can!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The Stupid Electric Bill

Dear Diary …

When you’re young … you got all these plans about how things are gonna be “different.” A lot of it has to do with your plans for parenting. You say dumb things like …

“Oh yeah … when I’m a parent … I’m in CHARGE! I’m not gonna be one of those parents that prepares like three different dinners a night. The children will do as I SAY!”

Yeah … sure … I remember sayin’ that one too. But then it’s dinner time and you just want these monsters to eat SOMETHING … chicken nuggets … mac and cheese … cat food. Whatever. So you do what you gotta do and that’s fine.

One I always remember was … “I’m not gonna be one of those crazy parents that complains about the electricity bill. That’s just ridiculous!”

OK … but … uhhhh … HAVE YOU SEEN THE FREAKING LIGHT BILL RIGHT NOW???

What in the world is going on with the gas and electric bills? It’s like all of a sudden they got together and decided to raise the cost buy a million percent or something … not tell anybody … and then it’s … “Hey your gas bill is $600 this month. Surprise!”

I’m sorry, but that’s just wrong.

And I’m sure they got some bullpucky story about inflation or supply chain or having to upgrade the flongometers or whatever … but you should not be able to bend people over a barrel for services that they HAVE to pay for.

Like a Lamborghini … I get it. You can charge a ridiculous amount for it because I can … you know … just not buy it … but what am I gonna do instead of lights? Get candles like I’m Ben Franklin?

And here’s the part that always makes me mad …

Bunch of years ago … I forget the exact time … we had this REALLY mild winter. So people used their heat way less than normal. So you remember what the gas company did? They charged everybody like an extra $20 the next month saying, “well we didn’t take in as much money as normal so we need this for like … uhh … maintenance stuff and things.”

But then on the flip side … if it’s wicked cold one month … I don’t see a “hey we made a lotta money last month” rebate. Do you?

So you know what I’m gonna do about it?

[PAUSE]

Nothin.

Cuz there ain’t nothin’ to do. We can whine about it all we want, but … you want heat? Well there you go.

But hey on the bright side … think of all the money we’re saving right now because eggs are so cheap and affordable.

OK … is it too early to start drinking?

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

I Ain’t Asking For Much

Dear Diary …

As we sit here this morning … not being billionaires because apparently we can’t be the lucky schmuck who wins the lottery .. I just gotta declare on behalf of all of us … C’mon man … I ain’t askin’ for much!

By the way … If you want tips on how to win the lottery, just remember that you gotta buy your ticket from the crappiest and scariest convenience store … in Michigan. Because that’s where the winner always seems to happen. You also gotta be weird lookin’ … probably wear things like checkered shirts and suspenders. And don’t comb your hair. You always want to look a little dumpy when you pick up your prize.

But back to my point … I ain’t asking for much. Ok fine … I’m never gonna win the billion dollar lottery … it’s cool … I can accept that I guess. So in the meantime can I at least get some other lucky benefits in life … like can I stop running over stuff?

That doesn’t feel like I’m asking for much, but apparently it is because I always run over stuff. You can be rest assured that if there’s a nail in the road, I’m gonna be the one to run it over and have it jam into my car tire. And not just nails … last week I had the privilege of being lucky enough to run over a drill bit replacement and have it blast its way into my tire. And yes … I drive on normal roads. You would think I was driving in the middle of a Home Depot with a drill bit in my tire!

I mean you talk about the odds of winning the lottery, but the odds of running over a drill bit replacement AND have it go into your tire gotta be just about the same longshot. But do I win the billion dollar lottery? NAHHHH … I just win the … runnin’ over stuff lottery. Lucky me!

And what the heck is the deal anyway? Where do all these nails come from? Never once in my life have I seen a nail just hanging out, sticking straight up in the road. And yet that seems to be exactly the case every time I run one over. Like how does that even happen.

I should also add that in the same week my wife managed to hit a deer with her car … the second time in a week. So now that’s all jacked up too.

And again … what can possibly be the odds of running over a drill bit replacement … and hitting two deer in the same week … AND having an entire tree fall on your house in the same three month span? But a billion dollars? Nope … those odds are just too impossible to hit. But in this situation … lucky me!

Sweet! I feel so blessed!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

I Ain’t No Dummy

Dear Diary …

I’m a big boy. I can handle it. We’re in a stupid recession right now. And whether it’s “officially” a recession or whatever, the fact is that things are stinkier right now vs. when they are more awesome. (See … that’s the scientific definition.)

Reality is … markets are down, pennies are being pinched, and stuff is more expensive. And that’s fine … OK it’s not “fine,” but it’s the reality … so at the very least can I ask you not insult my intelligence about all of this?

Like go to the grocery store … these paper towel people have got some nerve. Now … you go to buy what you think is the “big” pack of paper towels because it’s got FOUR rolls ALL the way across the package … and then … nothin’. Ain’t no back part to this. Used to be a back part to this. And it used to be just two or three in the front … but there was a back part.

So now they’re over here treatin’ us like dummies because there’s LESS rolls, but they just make the packaging longer. Hey stupid consumer … look how long this is! You’re excited to buy it! Oh … and it costs as much as when there was a back part … there just ain’t no back part anymore!

And let me just add … when they say this garbage about “double roll … TRIPLE roll!” … in comparison to what???? Cuz it ain’t in comparison to a normal roll. So yeah it’s twice as much as some weird baby roll that you bought on the internet during COVID, but that’s about it.

I understand in many different industries why the price has been forced upward because of their rising costs behind the scenes as well as lost income during the pandemic, but I remember the pandemic … and you know who didn’t have any problem making money? Paper towel and toilet paper people!!!

I don’t like being treated like a dummy. I also don’t like being treated with attitude by robots. These credit card machines now … very pushy and moody and I do not appreciate it. First they tell you to put your card in and then pull it right back out, but then they tell you to put it back in because “well it’s got a special chip.” I am aware of that … which is why I put it in in the first place!

Then it’s all “do not remove card …. Do NOT remove card” and one second later … BAMP BAMP BAMP BAMP … remove card … remove card … remove card!

You need not force yourself upon me and change your tone so quickly when I’m over here following your stupid instructions in the first place. This is how we’re going to become the robot slaves … they’re just conditioning us now with their little bells and whistles soon enough we’re not gonna even notice that we fully serve our machine overlords. It’s already too late!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

My Financial Ruin

Dear Diary …

I ain’t a rich man. So I don’t have a bunch of money laying around that I can waste and not worry about. Now don’t get me wrong, I ain’t poor. I’m fortunate to have what I have. But I tell you what … I’m eventually gonna end be poor after I’m done buying batteries for my kids’ toys.

Oh my God … everything needs a battery. Oh I’m sorry … batterIES … two, three, four, ten. And it’s not even size proportionate. My son has this little choo choo train … fits in the palm of your hand. Four batteries! The thing is the size of four batteries … so really it’s just a plastic train sitting over the top of FOUR batteries. And naturally, no matter how many batteries are in the toy, you know how long they last? Two seconds.

“Uh oh .. Thomas broken. Daddy you have battery?”

Diary … I counted … in a two week period, I put 22 batteries into kids’ toys. 22! Now I don’t know if you knew this or not, but batteries aren’t exactly cheap. I’m gonna go broke! And I’ll be penniless, and when you see me, sitting on the sidewalk … homeless … all dirty and wearing raggedy clothes … panhandling. You’ll say … what happened to you? Drugs? The war? Nope … batteries!

That and bubbles. Do your kids play with bubbles? Mine do. And they burn through those stupid containers. And by “burn through” I do mean “use a tiny bit and then spill the rest on the ground.”

“Daddy you have more bubbles?”

No Daddy doesn’t have more bubbles! Daddy’s gonna go broke gettin’ you bubbles.

Who knew soapy water cost so stinkin’ much?

This is why I drive a 17 year old car. I spend all my money on batteries and bubbles.

OK fine … moving on Diary … I don’t know if you knew this about me, but I don’t like being told what to do. I like to decide what to do. YOU don’t decide what I do. I do.

Like for example … These people who send you emails with uppity messages at the end of them “Please think before you print this message.”

Don’t you get all preachy with me, email … If I wanna print you, then I’m gonna print you.

And you know what? Now that you’re trying to tell me what to do, I’m DEFINITELY printing you. Twice. Don’t even need it, but you’re not gonna dictate to me what I can and can’t print.

I just dfon’t like going along with everybody else. You know what Diary … I might as well go on a gluten-free diet, cuz I’m against the grain, baby!

So the moral of the story here … if you want me to do something … you better either let me come up with it on my own, or at the very least, present in a way where you trick me into thinking it was my idea in the first place. That’s how my wife does it.

But if you tell me what to do? Nope … not doing it! Even if I wanna do it. Even if doing the opposite is going to negatively effect me. I’m doing it anyway!

Does it make sense? Nope. Do I care? NOPE!

Till next time Diary, I say goodbye.