Category: Food

The Banana: Nature’s Skank Fruit


Dear Diary …

That’s it … I’m done. I’m not going to stand quietly by while we allow them to keep ruining our lives. Bananas are the single worst fruit in the produce section, and I’m not putting up with them any more!

But why Zack? They’re so cheap?

Yeah … that should tell you something!

Lexuses ain’t cheap. Beyonce ain’t cheap.

Bananas are cheap … because clearly they are the cheap dirty stripper of the produce world.

That’s right … the Skank Fruit.

Well I’m on to you Skank Fruit … you’re done in my house!

Because here’s what happens every time I buy bananas … nobody eats them. They just sit there on the counter, gettin’ all rotten and mooshy and turning themselves into a fantastic breeding ground for fruit flies.

But if I try to throw them out …

“Oh don’t get rid of those … I’ll use them to make muffins. Put them in the freezer.”

You know what my freezer has tons of? Frozen black bananas. Seriously, it looks like some sort of hideous turd storage facility or something. Ain’t got no muffins. Just a bunch of frozen black banana logs.

And yet … despite the fact that nobody eats the bananas, and then they end up in freezer oblivious, what ends up on my shopping list every singe week? Bananas!!!

For what???

Are we actively growing a fruit fly colony for a third grade science fair project that I was unaware of?

And those bananas mock me all the time. Nobody else seems to mind that they sit there on the counter, rotting away, but I do. And I don’t wanna look at ‘em. So I go to move ‘em. And what happens every time I do that ? The stupid bananas immediately tear away from the top and rip open all over the counter.

Hate this fruit!

And let’s say by some miracle somebody actually eats a banana … can we all just agree that it’s simply the most disappointing fruit when it comes to taste? Apples are crispy and juicy. Berries are sweet and refreshing. Bananas are mooshy and weird.

How do you even describe the taste? Banana-y? That’s the best I got.

Think about a fruit salad. What’s the worst thing in that bowl? The banana.

Or how about this … what food goes good with banana?

Fish? Ew.

Spaghetti? No,

Pizza? Dear God no!

You stink banana. Nobody likes you. Go back to the jungle where you came from, Skank Fruit!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Stop With All the Pictures

Dear Diary …

 

First of all … I think it’s great that we now all have access to a really good camera pretty much whenever we want it since it’s on our phone.  Think of all the great pictures you missed back in the day, simply because you didn’t have a camera.

 

Not to mention all the times you did have a camera, took a picture … had to   fill the entire roll of film … took it down to that dorky little Photomat store … waited around … then got home only to discover that Grandma’s eyes were closed during the picture and the whole thing is ruined.

 

Now you can take 247 pictures of the same pose, pick the best one, and Grandma is preserved and looking like her wonderful Old Lady self for eternity.  Shoot, you can even throw a couple Instagram filters on Grandma and make her look even better than real life!

 

Not only that … but you get VIDEO in the palm of your hands, too!  No more big dorky video cameras that make it look like you work for CNN and are you’re running around trying to film “breaking news.”  Now it’s point … shoot … done.

 

That said … must we film EVERYTHING????  Let’s be honest with ourselves here … 95% of all the things I see people take video of is boring and there is no way they will ever watch it again.

 

I think of this every time I go to one of my kids’ school functions.  I mean … sure … take a couple pictures … maybe a little video … but I see all these parents who film EVERYTHING.  And I mean EVERYTHING … they film performances that their kids aren’t even in.  Who the heck is going to watch that later?

 

“Hey … anybody wanna watch a bunch of third graders we don’t know dance around on a stage?  Oh … and a bonus … the audio quality is really bad and it’s from really far away?”

 

Ooooh … ooooh … ME!!!!!

 

Look … just because you have the storage on your phone, doesn’t mean you have to use it.

 

Also … don’t be wasting time taking pictures and videos of things when there are super easy ways to access way better versions of what you are doing.

 

Take the eclipse for example … what in the world do any of us need to take a picture of the eclipse for?

 

“Ooooh … look at me … I’m looking at the eclipse!”

 

Yes … of course you are … just like everybody else.  Not to mention those other people with better cameras and filters that did it for … oh I don’t know … NASA.  I think I’ll go with their pictures.

 

Why the heck am I going to risk ruining the lense on my phone to take a crappy picture of the eclipse when THE PEOPLE WHO SEND HUMANS INTO SPACE do the same thing?  They have telescopes that can look at Uranus … I don’t think your silly Droid phone can compete with that.

 

And here’s another thing … just because you took a picture, you are not legally obligated to post that picture on social media.  It should still look … oh I don’t know … good … in order to post it.

 

I see so many awful food pictures on social media.  It’s one thing if you have a beautiful plate of food, and you use awesome filters, and the thing is just spectacular.

 

But when you have yourself a runny tray of slop served on top of some sad rice and it looks like lunch from Shawshank Prison … you don’t need to post that.  Even if it was “Yummy Dinner With My Bae!” … It looks like dog food.  Might’ve tasted good (I guess), but it’s gray and depressing and the rest of us don’t wanna see it.

 

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Liar Fruit and the Robot Takeover


Dear Diary …

 

In theory … this is the time of year to really start enjoying the bounty of Mother Nature with ALL kinds of fresh and delicious in-season fruits and vegetables.  And you can totally do that … if you happen to have a garden or a really good Farmer’s Market.   But if you rely solely on the grocery store, you are set to become a constant victim of what I call “The Liar Fruit.”

 

I get bitten by The Liar Fruit all the time … especially when it comes to anything in the berry family … straw, blue, rasp … any of those berries, whatever it is.  You sit there at the store … look at the package and think, “Alright … looks good.”

 

Maybe you’re like me and you even flip the package over and check out the bottom to make sure everything looks good there as well.  

 

“Yup … this’ll do.”

 

And then you get home and get totally burned by The Liar Fruit … that one stupid moldy berry that’s hiding right in the middle of the box.  Doing it’s best to destroy every other berry around it with it’s fuzzy mooshy nastiness. And naturally it’s tucked WAY in there, so you don’t notice it’s destruction until it’s already ruined half the package.

 

Same goes for that bag of lemons.  Every single time I buy that thing … they all look fine when I inspect it, and then within a day one of them has turned the same color as a golf ball and is tainting every lemon in the bag.  

 

Screw you Liar Fruit!

 

And don’t even get me started on the amount of times I buy a melon and then later get to find out that I have a crunchy flavorless orb of sadness sitting on my counter.

 

Is it too much to ask to have consistent quality in the produce you purchase?  I don’t think so.

 

OK … moving on Diary …

 

I have no doubt, that technology is out to get all of us.  Really it’s the robots.  Eventually they will overthrow us all and become rulers of the planet, and we will simply be their humanoid servants.

 

But here’s the thing … the robots are smart.  It’s not gonna happen all at once.  They are gonna take over very slowly and patiently, and we probably won’t even notice that we’ve handed the control over to them until it’s too late.

 

Right now … they are on a mission to expose us.  All my technology has been attacking me this week.  Every app I open … “would you like to share your location?”  No.  Next time I open the same app … “Would you like to share your location?”  NOOO!!!

 

And for whatever reason this week, my phone is determined to have me accept “read notifications” on my text messages.  “Don’t you want people to know that you’ve read their text?”  Absolutely not!  Stop asking!

 

But apparently clicking no isn’t enough … it asks me over and over and over and over again.  It’s trying to expose me!   Eventually I’m either gonna give in and hit “yes,” or accidentally hit y”yes” when I mean to hit “no.”

 

That’s how the Robot Revolution will begin … every location service, push notification, read notification and so on will expose all our secrets to our fellow humans.  Then … That will then cause stress, tension, and arguments, which will then lead to yelling, fighting, and eventually war.  

 

And then the robots will be called in to help fight the war, and they will turn on us humans and take over the Earth.

 

You think I’m nuts?

 

Well I might be, but just remember the “I told you so” when you’re wearing your shiny robot obedience collar and working for Uniblab 2000 in the robot fields.

 

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Kid Versions of Everything

Dear Diary …

Look … I like kids.

OK wait … I don’t really like kids.

Look … I like MY kids.

OK wait … Sometimes I don’t really like my kids either.

But seriously … kids aren’t that bad.  They got the innocence of youth, they have a fun spirit, they’re more enjoyable than most adults.  That part is definitely true.

That said … I absolutely cannot stand that every show on television is being ruined by children.  Specifically … kid versions of everything.

Dancing With the Stars Junior, Chopped Junior, Master Chef Junior, Kids BBQ Championship, Kids Baking Championship … blah blah blah.  The list goes on for way too long.

Especially with the cooking shows.

Now Diary … you know me … I’m a foodie.  OK I’m actually a grade-A food snob, but the point is … I love food and chefs and cooking shows and things like that.  But I want to watch great chefs making great food, not an 11 year old trying to make a dang casserole.

There’s a reason why 11 year olds don’t run restaurants … they’re food ain’t good enough!

So why do I wanna sit there and watch a bunch of booger eaters make mediocre food???

About the only thing I do enjoy is getting to watch the hypocrite judges taste the food.  Cuz here we have a bunch of snooty chefs, that when they’re on a regular version of the show, they sit there and they nitpick the entire dish … “Oh your meal was spectacular, buuuuut you left off ONE fleck of salt so, yeah, we’re gonna have to go ahead and send you home.”

Karma gets ‘em on the kid versions, cuz they can’t be mean and make all the kids cry, cuz then they look like jerks and they wouldn’t get another job on TV to save their lives.  So now they gotta eat an overcooked piece of steak that’s tougher than shoe leather and they go “Mmmm … your flavor ideas were sooo creative to try to put cake frosting on this!”

BAHAHAHA!!!  Take that sucka!

Kids … you can be anything you want when you grow up.  OK … that’s not true either but that’s what people say.

The point is … you can be whatever it is you’re gonna be … LATER … I don’t wanna watch you fumble thru it now.

Till next time Diary, I say, goodbye.

Medium Well and Canned Tuna


Dear Diary …

Today … I wanna talk about food. Because really, it’s the one thing all humans have in common … we all eat food. Maybe we like different food, but we all eat it. Even your no fun fitness friends who hate delicious food … they’re at least still passionate about their twigs and protein powder … that’s their food.

And “passion” is a great word for this … because I love food. Especially great ingredients that are nurtured and treated beautifully in an effort to make them as fantastic as possible. Food deserves our respect and love, which is why we need to fight back against you people that overcook your red meat.

That animal died for you … and now you’re ruining it’s memory by turning them into a grey piece of meat leather.

Let me present you with a fact … the best way to eat red meat is rare or medium rare. End of discussion. There is no dispute here. Because if you disagree, you’re also the one with the broken taste buds. It’s medical. I pity you, but you still can’t argue with facts.

For optimum beefy deliciousness and flavor … any food expert will tell ya it’s medium rare. So you know what? Medium … I’ll let ya slide. You’re tryin’ your best.

But medium well and well done … you’re doin’ it wrong. Especially medium well. At least a “well done person” knows what they want … to destroy a piece of steak and cook it till it’s dry and terrible. Medium wellers … you people don’t know what you want. Because you are ALWAYS the one at the table mad about your food … pokin’ it with your fork … eww it’s too pink … or ahhhh it’s not pink enough. Ehhhhh!

This is because there’s no such thing as medium well. Either get it cooked right or get it burned to a crisp. You can’t order food as “kinda terrible” and then expect anything other than disappointment.

And here’s my additional advice … if you go to a restaurant and order medium rare and they say, “Well here at blah blah blah restaurant we cook it to at least medium because he wanna be safe.” LEAVE. Clearly they don’t care about flavor … and why would you wanna eat at a restaurant that hates flavor?

Tell me how to eat my food? I’m a grown ass man … If I wanna eat raw meat tin the parking lot like a bear … well then I can. I pay my taxes, that should be good for something, right?

OK … moving on Diary … while we’re talking about food … tuna fish has got to go. Now tuna … the actual fish … when in a nice big steak and cooked to perfection (rare BTW) … that’s awesome. But when it’s been boiled beyond belief and then scooped out of a can and slathered with huge hunks of mayonnaise. How is this not a crime against your food? (Oh … and just so you know … I really wanted to say “crimes against foodmanity” here, but I didn’t . So you’re welcome.)

Anyway … canned tuna … uhhh … why do we do this to ourselves? And I don’t know which came first … tuna fish or cat food, but the point is … they both smell and look the same. So do YOU think a sane person eats cat food sandwiches? Oh you know what …. that smells good. I’ll have what the cat’s having please.

That is a gross, crazy person.

And tuna melt … hot fish, melted cheese, and bubbling mayonnaise? Yeah there … you’ve just ruined everyone’s appetite … I hope you’re happy.

Till next time Diary … I say goodbye.

So … Much … Poop


Dear Diary …

So I gotta ask … My son is four years old. Weighs about 40 pounds. Pretty average height and weight. Exactly how much poop can be stored in a body this size? Because it seems like he manages to carry WAY more than his body size dictates. I swear this kid is like 51% poop, and 49% everything else. Where does he store it all?

And right now we’re still getting a hold of this whole “potty trained all the time” thing. And he’s getting better, but this weekend he was dealing with some rumble bumble issues in his belly, and I can’t get mad at him for that. He can’t help it. But again it brings me back to the question … how does such a tiny child manage to store … so … much?

Since he was dealing with issues … he was wearing a pull-up. And thank God he was, because that was about the only thing that prevented me from having to throw an entire couch away. I’ll spare you the details, but when I took of his pull-up, and there was a pull-up shaped poop outfit left in it’s place. Oh wait … I didn’t spare you the details. Cuz I want YOU to travel this horrible journey with ME! And you just did, whether you like it or not! MWAHAHAHA!

Anyway … that was my weekend. Over and over again. And in addition to them runs, he also managed to execute two normal ones. Well … normal for a 170 pound man. But apparently this child is just a doo doo storage unit or something. By Sunday night I found myself just … looking at him. Thinking … How? Where? Why? I’m tellin’ ya … 51% poop. 49% everything else.

OK … thankfully … moving on Diary …

Time is quite possibly the most valuable thing we all have. Sure … money is nice. Buy time … I mean you only get one life … and you never know how much time you got left in it. So you gotta make the most of it. Which is why it blows my mind why some of us waste our time on such stupid things.

Like low fat cheese. What is the point?

“Oh I’m trying to save calories.”

Yeah well guess what? Regular cheese is delicious. And low-fat cheese tastes nothing like it. So now, not only are you not eating delicious regular cheese, you’re wasting a bunch of calories on a low fat version that tastes like a mix of cardboard and feet.

Sugar free cake. Are you serious? And even worse is when people try to trick you …

“Oh this cake doesn’t have sugar in it. Bet you didn’t notice!”

[[GAG]] Bet I did.

Life is too short! Splorging a bunch of low fat ranch dressing on your salad ain’t gonna make you any healthier. Either go all in or all out!

Also … why are we making food grosser? I just learned that now you gotta watch out at the store for the label “mechanically tenderized meat.” So basically they’re just using these giant poking machines to put a bunch of holes in your meat to try to make it seem more tender and juicy than it is.

Guess what? Cook it right and it’ll be plenty tender and juicy on it’s own, you don’t need a million bacteria blades jabbing holes in it so your “big juicy marinade” can leak in.

Or how ’bout this … if you REEEEEAAALLLY want meat with a bunch of holes poked in it, there’s a thing called a “fork” that you can use to stab it yourself. Do we really need a machine for that? Cuz you know what else that machine is good for? e.Coli … delicious!

Don’t poke my meat. Don’t inject it with salt water. Don’t turn it pink and splooge it through a giant Play-Doh like nugget making machine either. Just gimme the meat and let me worry about it from there.

Till next time Diary, I say … goodbye.

Green Light Haters and Crimes Against Chicken Wings


Dear Diary …

After years of driving I’ve learned … well I’ve learned what everybody learns … everybody else stinks at it. I could spend every week of this Anger Diary talking about something driving related, and I’d have enough material to get me to the year 3000. Now I don’t do that every week, because that would get boring. However, this week IS one of those weeks.

Now before I start … I should point out that I do get a kick out of the simple fact that we all sit here and say “Yeah … Everybody else is a bad driver. Oh except ME … I’m an excellent driver!” Ok … then who are the bad drivers if we ALL think we’re the exception?

But that’s beside the point … Can’t answer that question anyway. So let’s just move forward.

One thing that I’ve learned is that there are different kinds of drivers. Some people drive slow. Other people drive fast. There’s all sorts of categories of drivers.

For example … I’ve found that there is a group of drivers who hate green lights. I don’t know why they don’t like ‘em, but clearly they hate them, because they seemingly go out of their way to miss green lights, and allow themselves to be trapped at … what I assume instead … are their favorite pretty red lights.

Oh and not just them … as you could probably guess … me as well since I’m the one stuck behind them at the same stupid red light.

“What do you mean? Nobody hates green lights?”

Oh yeah? Well then explain to me why these people seem to have ZERO hustle when it comes to making it thru them?

We’ve all been driving long enough to know roughly how long a light stays green, and there is nothing worse than having that internal clock in your brain while driving behind someone who seemingly has NO concept as to how traffic lights work.

“Bump-a-dump-a-dump … just gonna cruise along here … slightly slower than I should. Ooop! Look at that … I’m at a red light now.”

And look … it’s not that my life is THAT important that I got somewhere super special to be, but I can promise you it’s someplace better than behind the wheel of my stupid car. Life is too short to be wasting it at a traffic light … you gotta get some hustle into it!

OK … moving on Diary …

Now clearly, these green light haters, that’s a whole thing that I wanna make illegal when I’m King of Zackmerica. So let me give you another one while I’m at it … and I don’t care how old or young you are … crimes against chicken wings will be punishable to the fullest extent of the laws.

Kids are the worst at this. I’ve had to watch my daughter and her friends commit chicken wing abuse time and time again, where we Moms and Dads order delicious chicken wings for everybody to enjoy.

And I don’t know about you … but I can eat me my share of chicken wings. There’s pretty much always room for at lest one more. And there is no bigger travesty than when you want another wing and realize they’re all gone … and then you see it … that wing sitting on some kid plate … with like two tiny bites taken out of it and 90% of the deliciousness just sitting there … RUINED.

“Oh you can just eat it”

No you can’t!

Kid mouths are gross. Even your own kids … but especially other people’s kids. You have no idea why kind of bacteria and boogers they’ve been lickin’ all over that chicken wing. So instead … you gotta just throw that poor wing out. Bye bye little angel … total crime against chicken wing humanity.

So you know what? As a leader … sometimes the right decision isn’t always the easiest decision. Kid … enjoy prison. They’ll learn!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Tiny Pieces of Plastic


Dear Diary …

Ultimately … we are all servants to one all-powerful ruler who controls all of us and everything we are able to do in life. It’s not a person. And not a spiritual being. It’s much smaller than that. And yet … despite it’s size, it has a power over virtually EVERY person on Earth. You are not in control … it is in control.

You see Diary … the entire world is run by tiny pieces of plastic.

I don’t care how big and strong and technologically advanced anything is that we use in this world … when it breaks … it breaks because it was held together by tiny pieces of plastic.

Every time something breaks on my car (and it’s an 18 year old car, so things break all the time). It’s not a giant piece of metal that breaks … it’s a tiny piece of plastic. I’ve replaced the door handle in my car four different times now. And the reason is the same every time … despite the fact that this door is 200 pound hunk of metal … there’s a tiny little nubbin’ of plastic that connects the handle to the actual door … and this tiny little nubbin’ breaks all the time. 3,000 pound car … totally held at the mercy of a 17 cent piece of plastic.

Recently my vacuum broke … and this is one of those schmancy ones with the big rotating ball on the bottom and the weird German guy in the commercials that tells you it’s the most sophisticated vacuum in the universe. Yeah … well … it broke. And I knew it! I was convinced it was some dumb little piece of plastic.

So I took that thing apart … and that’s exactly what I found … random tiny piece of plastic that had broken off. The entire vacuum held hostage by another evil little nubbin’. Fixed the piece of plastic … vacuum works fine. And here’s how dumb the plastic is … there was a piece of metal in that vacuum and I just took it out. Extra part! Vacuum still works fine. The metal doesn’t hold it back. The plastic does.

We are so dumb. We build these big, fancy, expensive things … and then we have them held together by tiny, fragile, flimsy little things. Stupid pieces of plastic. And we don’t do anything about it … we keep letting it happen. We’re not in charge … the plastic is in charge!

OK … moving on Diary … Here’s another reality we’ve all been denying … bananas suck.

And yet … they’re like the most popular food in the world. Why?

You buy bananas and they’re fine in your house for about a day and then they become fruit fly paradise once they insta-rot on your counter. One day … fine. Next morning … brown, mushy, and terrible.

And furthermore … lets be honest … I think we’re all trying to convince ourselves that we actually enjoy the taste and mealiness of a banana. I get like “instant stomach ache” when I eat one, and the consistency can best be described as “mushy chalkiness.” Not appealing!

Put ‘em in a fruit salad … they instantly make that fruit salad worse. And banana flavored things? No thank you.

And the banana split … what is by far the worst ingredient of the banana split? The banana! Ice cream, hot fudge, nuts … all tasty things … Sandwiched together by one useless piece of fruit that’s just there so we can lie to ourselves and claim there was something healthy in the bowl.

“Oh but htey’re so cheap. That’s why we get ’em.”

Well guess what? They’re cheap for a reason … they’re lousy.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Leftovers Daredevils

Dear Diary …

This is one of those times where … when you look at the calendar … you realize we need to come together as a people. Put our difference aside … join hands … and pray. Pray for those brave individuals who risk their own personal safety, to still be eating Thanksgiving leftovers today. Cuz those daredevils are insane!

Hey I get it … Thanksgiving food is delicious. And Thanksgiving leftovers are great too, but we are now almost SIX days past that delicious bounty. And before you get all “Zack can’t count, it’s not that many days.” Look here bucko … that food was made the morning of Thanksgiving. Heck, some of it was probably made the night before, but even if it was that morning we’re talking Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday … Day 6.

I’m sorry, but the Diarrhea-O-Meter risk factor has gone too high for me. Not worth it.

“But it’s my Grandma’s stuffing.”

Yeah … sure … that deliciously absorbent tub of wet bread and eggy goodness. That … oh by the way … probably sat out on the table for a solid six or seven hours ON Thanksgiving. Just festering right in the Germ Zone. And growing spores of naughty little things that wanna tear up your insides.

Just say no.

“It’s my body. It I wanna take the risk, that’s on me.”

Sure … that may be true. But your body also ends up with unfortunate results and stenches that affect the rest of us.

Leftovers. Three days. Done.

Non-negotiable. Unless you wanna knock it down to one or two … that’s the only place that we have wiggle room.

So I’m gonna tell you right now … if you’re at work today and you see Thanksgiving leftovers in the fridge, you are legally allowed to throw them away without any repercussion. You are doing it for the safety of all of us.

OK … moving on Diary …

I’ve learned something in my parenting adventures … I HATE CANDY.

And not “Oh I love Snickers, but I hate Twizzlers. Or I hate lollipops, but I love Kit Kats.” No … I hate it all. Has nothing to do with individual tastes … it just has to do with its very existence in my house this time of year.

It, of course, starts with Halloween … where the children manage to haul in giant bags of sugary goodness from their trick or treating. And then every day, all I hear about is their candy.

“Where’s my candy?”

“When can I have another piece?”

“Can I hold the bag?”

“I just wanna count it.”

NO! Go away you little addict!

Fast forward a month fighting that battle every day, and here we are FINALLY getting to the bottom of these evil little candy bags. And then … Christmas Parade. You know … the place where everybody else in town dumps their leftover candy onto unfortunate saps like myself, who have to helplessly stand by and watch their children’s candy reserves build right back up to their evil Halloween levels.

And even better that now it’s everybody else’s crappy candy leavins … so it’s not even stuff worth stealing to eat when they go to bed.

Ugh … so sick of candy.

I guess if there’s a silver lining in all this, it’s that finally there’s some reason to look forward to sucky January when everybody eats giant bowls of diet lettuce or whatever, and all the pieces of candy are finally eradicated.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Alone With My Thoughts


Dear Diary …

Why your brain gotta screw ya? For all the wonderful and amazing things your brain does, it also does plenty of dumb things that totally screw you over. I call it “Jerk Brain” because … quite simply … your brain’s being a jerk.

Like when you leave for work in the morning, and then remember that your forgot something back at your house and you are JUST far enough away from your house that you can’t really turn around? That’s Jerk Brain. He coulda remembered sooner, but he didn’t.

Here’s another one … This morning I’m in the shower, which 99% of the time is a place where you are alone with your thoughts. And as I sit there in the warm water, just soaking it all in, my brain says …

“Hye, you know what? I haven’t been sick in a really long time. I wonder if I can make it thru the whole year without getting sick?”

Oh crap! Thoughts like that immediately terrify me because you start thinking … “Wait a minute … why you got sickness on the brain, brain? What’s goin’ on it there?”

Fast forward a half hour later. I’m sitting at work and I …

[[[WHHHHPPPP]]]

Kinda got a little dry throat here.

[[[WHHHHPPPP]]]

Little phlegmy.

JERK BRAIIIIN!!!!!

Now I’m still teetering … so I’m hoping it’s just a false alarm, but why you gotta do me like that Jerk Brain? Make me think about bein’ all well, and then makin’ me all sick. You jerk!

OK … moving on Diary …

I’m the cook in the house. I make most of the meals. Now my wife CAN cook … my schedule is just better for it. And honestly … I like it. And also … I’m pretty good at it. So it’s a bonus for everybody that they can get some pretty fancy meals right outta the hosue.

But here’s the deal … like any good chef, my food better be recognized and appreciated. And above all else … It better be eaten when it’s ready. Cuz this chef likes hot food .. so when it’s time to eat … it’s TIME TO EAT!

Last weekend … I make a meat sauce. Two days! Two days it takes me to make that thing … so you know it’s a darn good meat sauce. So it’s finally ready and I call everyone to the table … “Alright … dinner time.”

[[[SILENCE]]]

Hello????

DI-NNER-TIME!!!!

Sauce takes me two days to make, and now I’m sitting there. Waitin’. Food gettin’ cold here!

You know back in the day …. out on the ranch … you ring that bell … they come a-runnin’ in from the fields. And you people aren’t in no field … you’re in the living room watchin’ Netflix for so long you probably have blood clots in your legs from sittin’ there.

The Chef hails ye to dinner … Ye best be movin’ or I’m gonna start making me delicious meat sauce, and the rest of you can fight over a Lunchable! Get on with your hustle!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.