Category: What’s wrong with you?

Today’s Xmas Decorations Are Tomorrow’s Garbage

Dear Diary …

Here we are … another year coming to a close … as we bask in the glory that is the holiday season. And my advice to you, is to soak it in. Soak in the joy and wonderment that is the Christmas tree, and Christmas decorations, and Christmas lights. Because soon … something truly magical is going to happen. When the calendar hits December 26th, all of these glorious things will become … instant garbage.

And it is amazing how fast it happens. It was beautiful yesterday, but now it’s just gross. Sometimes, for me, it’s not even December 26th … I hit about two o’clock in the afternoon on Christmas Day and I hear a Christmas song and I’m instantly “UGHHHH … This? … We’re still on THIS? That whole holiday cheer thing?”

And it’s all of it … “Look at all the pretty Christmas lights on that house” immediately becomes “look at that sad tangled mass of wires and light bulbs.” I don’t know if it’s just “Christmas Blindness” or something, but I swear I don’t notice a single extension cord in people’s yards until it hits December 26th. And then … they’re everywhere and they’re gross.

So again I say to you … you better sit there and soak in all this magic before it’s turns into tomorrow’s ratty pile of trash that needs to be put in a box and shoved into the attic where nobody can see it for 11 more months.

Oh and Diary … since I’ve been listening to Christmas music for a month now … I’ve got a few more songs that are making me ask the tough questions.

Like in the song “Mary Did You Know?” … who do these people think they’re talking to?

I mean … here they are … all “Mary did you know … that your Baby Boy would one day walk on water?” Followed by “Mary did you know … that your Baby Boy would save our sons and daughters?”

OK … do they not think she gets it?

If I’m Mary, I’m like “ummmm … hello? Virgin birth here … You don’t think that maybe I don’t understand the significance of that? I gave birth in a manger … there was a gigantic star in the sky signaling to the angels that my kid was being born, and then these three wise dudes show up, gave me a bunch of gold and myrrh and stuff. So yeah … I think I get it that this is a pretty big deal.”

I mean Diary … this seems like very poor judgement by this singer to be telling a Momma how to be parenting her child. You ever try to do that? Me? No thank you!

I won’t even do it to a random woman in Wal-Mart, let alone the Virgin Mother of the Baby Jesus. Tell her how to raise HER kids? Uh-uh!

And one more song while we’re here … “Sleigh Ride.”

Now I do understand that times change and opinions of enjoyment of certain things can sometimes go away, because when they suggest that it’s “lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you,” I feel like it’s my duty to approach this honestly and admit that a sleigh ride is totally overrated and very rarely is it actually “lovely weather” for said “sleigh ride together.”

I’ve done ‘em, and it’s either one of two things …

#1 … Freezing. It’s December at night for the love of God, and here you are sitting in an open-air carriage freezing your butt off while the icy breeze smacks you in the face. You know … there IS a reason why cars today now have things like doors and “rooves” … climate control is enjoyable.

Or …

It’s #2 … Where it ain’t cold at all, and actually it’s a little TOO warm. Because what happens during this warmer time? Warm horse smell. Don’t get me wrong, I love a horse, but I also prefer to choose a mode of transportation that doesn’t sit me directly behind a couple of horse butts with no escape or air filter. Double up on the hot horse farts while you’re trapped in the box behind.

You know what? No. No sleigh ride for me. I’m good.

But anyway … Diary .. Let me just say Merry Christmas and a Merry New Year. I’ll see you in January when we’re all mad because we’re back at work, and work sucks, and the gym is too stinkin’ crowded, and we’re all just eating lettuce. Whooptie doo!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Home Alone and Other Xmas Movies

Dear Diary …

‘Tis the season for all things Christmas and that is fine with me. I love it all. Christmas music, Christmas parties, and of course … Christmas specials on TV. Definitely love those. Well … most of those. Do NOT get me started on Frosty the Snowman.

“Happy Birthday!”

It’s NOT your birthday you fat snowman! Tt’s Jesus’ birthday. You be quiet!

OK … but my grudge with Frosty is well documented. This time I’d like to explore some other classic holiday movies that I LOVE … but still … I got some issues.

Like the movie “Elf” … No doubt a modern classic. Honestly, it might now be my favorite Christmas movie of all time. But every time I watch it when it gets to the end … and Buddy the Elf is helping out Santa in the park and everybody is watching it unfold during the news report … I can’t help but think to myself …

Here it is … Christmas Eve. And I’m supposed to believe that all these kids are snuggled up in their beds watching the news? The news????

Have you seen the news lately? I’m a grown-ass man and I’m afraid to watch the news in my OWN bed. You think these parents are gonna let THEIR kids watch the news in their bed? No thank you! And even if the parents don’t know, never once has my daughter said, “Dad can I watch the news?”

Or like in “Christmas Vacation” … another great movie …

But when the Griswolds hike out into the woods and pick out this gigantic million-foot-tall Christmas tree and Rusty says “Hey Dad … did you bring the axe?” and they realize they got no axe … Exactly how DO they get that tree out of the ground? They’re driving home and the tree still has it’s gigantic root system attached. So with no axe … no shovel … and frozen ground underneath a foot of snow … they still got that tree. What’d they … yank it out with their rugged bare hands and drag that thing all the way back to the car? The base of that tree alone has gotta weigh 150 pounds.

But let’s move on … because the one I want to look at in particular today is “Home Alone” …

I mean, there’s a whole laundry lists of questions that should be asked by Child Protective Services to this family that somehow manages to leave their tiny child alone … two Christmases in a row mind you. And the police … they go knock on the door one time … “Oh well. Nobody answered. That’s good enough for us!”

Um … I think if I was the parents … I’d ask them to go back and knock again!!

And speaking of the parents … What the heck does this Dad do for work where he can afford to fly the entire massive family to Paris for Christmas? You can’t even get a flight to Detroit for less than $400 anymore … and he’s flying like a dozen people to EUROPE.

Oh and the bonus kick in the teeth for everybody else on the plane … yeah … we have this gigantic, unruly family that’s really loud and annoying. Oh, but Mom and Dad are gonna go ahead and sit in first class while you losers in coach have to deal with all of them. Those two are jerks!

Alright, but let’s go back to our little friend Kevin … who’s home all alone with these mean ol’ burglars. Burglars who cased the neighborhood, and know exactly what houses to rob. That’s another thing … the one burglar is so proud of himself that he can show off … “Look … this house is gonna have their lights on right … NOW. And then … wait for it … the next house …NOW.”

Oh OK … so every house in the neighborhood just happened to put their lights on timers that conveniently go off ten seconds apart from each other?

“Hey Bill … I’m gonna set my lights for 6:17. You go ahead and set yours for 6:17 and ten seconds. And then Neal down the street will set his for 6:17 and 20 seconds. That’s a great idea!”
So then all the hilarious antics of Home Alone and Home Alone 2 take place, and the whole time I think to myself … How are these two criminals not dead?

Especially in Home Alone 2. Have you seen that thing?

My kids were watching it over the weekend, and at one point the two of them fall from a building three stories … and then crash through metal scaffolding as they crash into the basement. And then … as if that wasn’t enough … two dozen full paint cans fall from the top of the building and land on their face.

And what do they do? Well of course they get right back up and chase after that mischievous little Kevin. I mean .. how do they not at least have a concussion? You watch a football Sunday now and there’s at least five guys IN HELMETS that have to stop playing because of a concussion. These guys? They’re perfectly fine.

And I’m not even pointing out the fact that they’d already been abused like ten times before this happened … and still … strong enough to keep going. Who are these cyborgs?

Ahh but in the end … Little Kevin saves the day. He’s reunited with his parents, and all is forgiven.

I mean really Kev … ALL is forgiven? Your lousy family forgot you on Christmas … TWICE!!!! Oh that’s OK son, Dad can afford to put us all up in a two-story hotel room at the Plaza in New York City at the last minute on Christmas Eve. Again … what does he do for work?

This Dad is freakin’ loaded … which I mean let’s all be honest with ourselves right now … I love the actress that played the Mom and all … but if he’s that rich … she and her frumpy short haircut thing … that got kicked to the curb a long time ago and Daddy would have himself a Melania Trump-lookin’ wife by now. Just sayin’

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Merry Christmas Whether You Like It Or Not


Dear Diary …

Merry Christmas … whether you like it or not!

That’s right … I am here to send this Christmas greeting to you and you are gonna sit there, and you are gonna take it. End of story.

I am so sick and tired of people automatically whining, “It’s too early for Christmas.”

Yeah you’re right … Shame on us for celebrating the most wonderful time of year for as long as possible. The one about peace, and love, and giving. Yeah … let’s not drag that one out at all.

Well I thumb my Yule Log at you!

You know what I’m doing while I write this? Listening to Christmas music.

Which by the way … let me be the one to break the news to you … There are going to be radio stations that start playing Christmas music before Thanksgiving, like they do every single year. So from now till the end of time, that’s going to happen.

Why is that such a shock to some people?

“I can’t believe they’re playing Christmas music already!”

Do you have amnesia from last year or something? Cuz this is nothing new. Year after year, it happens.

And let me let you in on another little secret … the people who say “I protest … I won’t listen!” Yeah well there are these things called “ratings,” and even though everybody claims not to listen, these “ratings” seem to magically go higher. So SOMEBODY’S listening.

And don’t get all “we’re skipping right over Thanksgiving and going right to Christmas” on me. I’ll stop you right there, because I love me some Thanksgiving. I love it so much, I’m gonna do things with gravy on Thursday that would make your grandma faint. That’s how much I love Thanksgiving.

Best day of the year! It’s all about food and you don’t have to buy anybody any presents. It’s like Christmas without all the errands. What’s not to love?

But the reality is, there aren’t really any Thanksgiving songs to soak in other than “The Thanksgiving Song.” So I gotta skip right to Christmas.

And you know what? I have figured out a way to celebrate Thanksgiving and [[GASP]] listen to a Christmas song in November at the same time. Amazing!

You know what it is? A lot of people are looking to just complain about something, and this is a very easy one for them to comp,lain about. But here’s a fact … There’s a lot of crappy things going on in this world, so maybe it isn’t such a bad thing if we all get together and celebrate good things like Christmas for just a little bit longer than we did in the past.

Am I right, or am I right? Cuz I’m right. I know I’m right.

I’m not modest, but I’ right.

Till next time Diary, I say “Ho Ho Ho Merr…” (OK that’s a bit much, but you get the point).

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

You Spoil Everything


Dear Diary …

Alright look … technology has changed the game in a lotta ways and we all just gotta adapt to it. You can’t necessarily do things the way you’ve always done things. And one such thing is watch television. Because the simple reality is … with DVR and on-demand or whatever … not everybody watches TV at the same time.

Some people might watch it an hour later … some people might watch it a day later. So with that in mind … I pass this message along to you … “SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!” When you watch a show … like say “The Walking Dead” … where stuff goes down all the time … You need to STOP immediately running to Facebook and blabbing the details up and down the basketball court.

So of us … meaning “ME” … didn’t watch the episode right away when it was on on Sunday night. I like football … so I was watching that. I also like alcohol … so I was sleepy from enjoy that. I wanne record it and watch it later.

And I’m not asking you for much … I’m going to watch it the next day. You don’t have to zip it for a whole week or anything … not even two days … just ONE … FREAKING … DAY!

I just don’t understand why some people have this immediate urge to overshare every detail of their lives on Facebook. It’s bad enough that I gotta hear about your crappy ex husband or that pus-y boil that’s on your shoulder that you’re not sure if you should pop … now you gotta ruin TV for me too with stupid headlines like “OMG I can’t believe they killed Julio on the Walking Dead!”

And no … there ain’t no Julio on the Walking Dead … and I don’t know if they killed anybody or not because I’m busy trying to live in this ridiculous cone of silence so I can make it to the evening in order to watch this show without having anybody ruin it for me.

And it’s not just Facebook … the internet in general just LOOOVES to spoil things.

And they even do it by saying “SPOILER ALERT: Don’t click here if you don’t wanna know who died on the Walking Dead.” OK one … now you’ve already spoiled it if you say something like that. And two … what do they always do with that “Spoiler Alert” headline that’s supposed to protect you from the details? They put a picture of the character in question as the “here” for the “click here.” Gee I wonder what happened? Idiots.

And furthermore … what’s the point of even writing an article about it? The people who have already seen the show don’t wanna read it, because they already know what happened. And the people who DIDN’T see the show want nothing to do with it because it’s ruining everything!

And screw you Facebook for shoving it in my face … right there on the top of my feed. Trying to ruin everything. And even if you try to ignore the feed … it’s still “Hey … over here! Look down the sidebar to see what’s trending … HAHA gotcha!”

Can’t you all just be quiet for two seconds? Alright maybe a little bit longer … 24 hours … that’s all I’m asking for. You know how they say “Silence is golden?” Yeah … so go be all “golden” and stuff and shut your trap for one day.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Halloween Catalogs and Fake Outrage

Dear Diary …

Me and Halloween have a long dramatic history. Never liked Halloween. Even as a kid … I cried almost every year. Getting forced into costumes I didn’t wanna be in. Gettin’ dragged around town with a 102 degree fever. I didn’t really even like candy that much, so there wasn’t even THAT to fall back on. I’m probably the only kid in ‘Murica that still had a Halloween candy stash from LAST year when the new Halloween rolled around THIS year.

And of course I grow up and end up in probably the only adult profession on Earth where you still HAVE to dress up for Halloween every year. Sure, other adults do it for fun, but I HAVE to. It’s for work. And I get it … it’s God’s little joke. Ha ha ha.

But I’m evolved now … I’m past all that. OK … I’m NOT past all that. But I at least accept it for what it is and try to move on. And one good thing is now I can at least move on to a new phase of Halloween that I can actually enjoy … my children loving Halloween. That part is fun, because they LOVE Halloween. They talk about their costumes for MONTHS and are so excited once they pick them out.

So I think I’m safe … the demons of sucky Halloweens past can’t get ME no more! And then … the Halloween costume catalogs start showing up in the mail.

So yeah … I HAD two children that picked out their Halloween costumes and were all excited about it … my daughter ready to be a black cat, and my son all geeked out to be Batman … until they see this evil, retched propaganda machine. Oh I’m sorry … “Evil, EXPENSIVE, retched propaganda machine.”

Guess who don’t wanna be a black cat no more? That’s right … now she wants to be a butterfly. And not just any butterfly Diary, but a $160 butterfly from this catelog that has poisoned my home.

But … I thought you wanted to be a black cat? You know all pretty and “meow” … with the $11 we spent at Jo-Ann Fabrics and I don’t need to spend any more money … you wanna be that … right?

“I changed my mind!”

You didn’t change your mind … the evil Halloween Manifesto messed with your mind and made you want to buy things.

Now my son … he still wants to be Batman. So you think … “Phew! Dodged a bullet there!”

WRONG!

He wants to be Batman pictured in the catalog. Not Batman we’re borrowing from a friend for free that fits him perfectly.

“No … I want ‘DIS Batman in cag-glog!” … Yeah … $90 Batman in cag-log of course.

Why I didn’t just BURN that thing the second it touched my mailbox, I have no idea. Stupid Halloween!

OK … moving on Diary …

We need to all just chill out. And I know that seems like an obvious statement, but we just refuse to, and we still let every single thing get us “SO OFFENDED” and we must “PROTEST!” everything. It’s exhausting.

Like last week, people are all mad at the Call of Duty video game … you know … the military shooter game. So they got a new game coming out … and they also have a Twitter account. So from their account … cuz they think it’ll be a fun little promotion … they start Tweeting out fake news headlines that were actually just things that take place in the new video game. And yes, they were about things like war and terrorist attacks. But again … fake things that are happening in the video game.

So we take them in stride, right? Of course not! We fly off the handle … “How DARE you cause PANIC from your fake headlines!!!”

OK … chill out. Now while I may agree it probably wasn’t the best idea to do this, since clearly we over-react about everything … this simple fact does still remain … If you are getting your “news” from the username @CallofDuty on Twitter and you think it’s real … YOU ARE A MORON!!!

How about you spend … oh I don’t know … four seconds checking another source to verify what you read was real or fake before you go flying off the handle?

But no! We don’t do that. Instead, we immediately start blindly posting … “I hereby forbid Facebook from using my pictures and status updates in the future. So says this official-sounding status update thing that I cut and pasted from somebody else.”

Seriously … one second on Google and you’d know that was a hoax.

I know. “Check your facts” is a crazy suggestion.

I say it again … CHILL OUT.

This is why weed is getting legalized in this country … we’re too freakin’ high strung.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Water Bottles and the Pope

Dear Diary …

So … the Pope was in America last week. Now first of all, this Anger Diary has nothing to do with the Pope. Love me some Pope. Seems like a nice guy. And even if you’re not Catholic, you wanna at least hedge your bets, right? That way when you die and you get to those gates … you know … whatever religion happens to be the bouncer. “Oh yeah … you liked the Pope … OK you can get in the club!” So you certainly don’t wanna be bad-mouthing the Pope.

Here’s the thing I don’t understand … I see the Pope on TV and there’s this GIGANTIC crowd. And the news even says, “Hundreds of thousands gather hoping get a glimpse of the Pope.”

I’m sorry … You people are nuts. I’m not jamming into a space with 200,000 other people unless I’m getting a guarantee of something GOOD. “Hoping” to get a “glimpse?” … No thank you!

And what do you really expect to even see? Cuz the reality is, you ain’t at the front of this line unless you’re one of those weirdoes that camps out for a week for things like Black Friday and new iPhones. You know, the ones that don’t mind pooping in a bucket or having actual lives with jobs and responsibilities.

So you’re gonna be ALL the way in the back. So best case scenario … What are you even gonna see? The tippy top of his little Pope hat? That’s about it. I don’t even like going to the Salem Fair at busy times. I’m certainly not gonna jam myself into this gigantic field just for a “glimpse” of the Pope.

Oh by the way … guess what I saw? The Pope. Real big … and in HD. Right there on my TV. Clear view of the whole thing. Could even crank up the volume and hear his soft, beautiful voice loud and clear. At my house. In my underwear. That’s how you do it!

Glimpse. Glimpses are for suckas.

Moving on Diary …

So this past weekend I went away for a couple days with the wife and reminded me how much I hate water bottles. We stayed out in the wilderness, so you gotta bring bottled water with you. That’s fine. I enjoy bottled water … the actual water … all crisp and delicious. But what I’ve learned over the years is that women in particular do not keep track of their water bottles.

Same thing happened when I was at the beach this summer. Three couples in one house … and there are half drank water bottles all over the place.

And you know what? “Half drank” ain’t the right word. “One sipped” is more like it.

Somebody open a bottle … take one sip … and then put that one sipper down .. forget which one is theirs because there are 27 other one sippers laying around. And then just goes and opens another one.

“Can you go to the store and get more water bottles? We’re almost out”

Of course we’re almost out, we’ve got a case of one sippers laying all over this place!

And I even bought a Sharpie at the store! “Hey … here you go … you can write your name on your bottle so you don’t lo….” Oh forget it, they’re not listening.

And here’s the other thing I don’t understand … even though this is fresh, lovely, purified water … we treat the one sipper like all of a sudden it’s filled with bacteria-laden Mexican tap water or something. “Oh I don’t know WHO’S this is, I can’t drink THIS!”

Over the weekend … umm … it’s either mine or yours. Does it really matter? We’re married. We’ve had two kids. I know what a mucus plug is from birthing class. I think we can share a water!

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye.

Why Bother?

Dear Diary …

Today I’d like to introduce a segment called “Why Bother?” This is for all the silly things that we do, that when you stop and think about it, are pointless. Why do we even bother?

Take car alarms for example. What is the point?

“Oh it’s to protect your car from thieves when they try to burgle you!”

Sure … in theory. But I heard a car alarm yesterday … and you know what I did? Nothing! Same thing everybody does when they hear a car alarm … NO-THING!

Actually we don’t do “nothing,” we all do the exact same thing, which is that we think to ourselves “would that person please shut their STUPID alarm off now? It is annoying me!”

That’s all we do. I mean … if they are bein’ burgled … that alarm ain’t helpin’ … so why do we even bother?

OK here’s another one to throw into the “Why Bother?” pile … Car inspections. Can’t we all just agree that we’re beyond this ridiculous sticker? I mean c’mon … the people that do ‘em don’t even wanna do ‘em. EVERY time I ask to get my car inspected, that face they make at the car place and with the eye rolling, it’s the same reaction I get when I ask one of my kids to pick up their toys. “Oh man … why do I have to do it?” Because you’ve got that little sticker with the “9” on it in the window. Look … I don’t wanna be here either. Just inspect the stupid thing so we can move on.

C’mon … we don’t need these things any more.

“Oh but they’re SO important for safety, and emissions, and blah blah blah”

Fine. Then make ‘em easier to get. Put a nerd with a clipboard at a drive-thru inspection place and slap the dang sticker on. 95% of the cars on the road need about two seconds from an eyeball test to pass. And for those of us … myself included … that drive a POS … you can check us out for a little bit longer. There … you happy?

Here’s another “Why Bother?” … Asking men for advice.

Why do women do this?

They ask men for advice, and then all they do is immediately go ask their Mom or best friend the exact same question, and then do whatever that person advises. So just eliminate the middle man … and I do mean the actual man … just boot us out of the way and go right to the source you’re actually going to listen to.

And ladies … It’s your own fault when you complain about stuff like how your man never offers his opinion and all he says is “I don’t know.” It’s because we know … you don’t care about our advice anyway. So skip it.

And finally Diary … Why do we bother with this whole fascination with “secret menus?”

You see posts like this all the time online … “Oh the McDonald’s secret menu has been REVEALED!” … and then for some reason we get all excited like we’ve found buried treasure or something because somebody tells you to “order a double cheeseburger, but then tell them to but a McChicken patty on there too! It’s called the McChickaBurger!”

OOOOOOHHHH!!!

Yeah … you know what? I can do that to where I just make up silly combinations of ingredients that they have on hand and then give it some goofy name. Hey … order french fries … and then tell them to put chocolate ice cream on them. It’s called McIce Cream Fries!

And I am aware … Dumb name. But the whole concept of the “secret menu” is dumb in the first place.

You do realize, that all your trying to do is add some sort of mystery and glamour to your annoying special orders you’re always trying to get people to do? You … most difficult fast food orderer of all time. That’s all this is.

And difficult special menu person … “They always mess up my order”

That’s because your order is dumb! Order what they have and either 1) Learn to like it, or 2) Pick off the ingredients “you don’t like.”

Or what about this for a crazy idea if you’re so specific about what you can and can’t eat … Make your own food. That way the only person you’re annoying is you.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Kids Don’t Listen and FaceTime Stinks

Dear Diary …

I would say that this is a message for all kids listening to pay attention to, because I’m going to give them some words of wisdom that they can really use. However, I’m not going to say that.

Why? Because kids don’t listen! Not that they don’t listen to this show … they do that, and I’m glad they do. But words of wisdom? Children don’t care about those!

They already know everything, Diary. And further … They think that we parents … we don’t know nothin’.

Like take my son … he’s three. The other day, he’s doing this thing where he’s in the living room and he’s declared that the back of the living room chair is “his slide” and he’s going to sort of fall/jump off of his makeshift creation of his. It’s a game he calls “The Slide,” that I like to call “Trip to the Emergency Room.”

And I tell him … “Lennon, please don’t do that. You are going to fall and could really hurt yourself.”

“No I won’t!”

That is a kid’s response to everything … “No I won’t!” Well yes I know you don’t PLAN on falling and breaking your arm, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not going to happen. I mean … I say “I’m gonna eat healthy,” and then I polish off a half a pound of bacon. And Monica Brooks says things like “I’m not gonna get pregnant,” but doesn’t seem to be doing anything about it.

Anyway … What do you think happens next? He falls. Of course he falls! Because jumping off the back of a chair is a recipe for disaster. So he falls on the floor jams his little wrist on the ground and now he’s crying to me “Daddy my arm!” Well of course your arm you dummy! You didn’t listen to me, and now your arm hurts.

And here’s the kicker with these kids … Five minutes later he stops crying and he’s climbing right back up onto the back of the chair to do “The Slide” again. What is wrong with you?

Exactly how hard do you have to hit your head in order to knock some sense into it? So what do you think happens next? He falls again. Of course he falls again! Slams his butt on the ground. I’m not even going to pretend to care this time. “Ahhhh … WHY???” You know darn well why!

Look kids … I know you’re not gonna listen to me, but I’m gonna say it anyway. We parents aren’t as stupid as you may think we are. Nope …they’re not listenin’. Nevermind … just play the Whip and the Nene and call it a day.

OK … moving on Diary …

FaceTime. Or Skype. Or whatever video chat thing it is that you use.

That was always one of those technology Holy Grails back in the day. “Oh man … can you imagine if we ever have the technology to have live video chat … face to face … in real time? That’ll just be the best thing ever!”

Yeah well it’s here … and it’s not. I hate FaceTime. Cuz the problem is … nobody knows how to use it right.

For me … is supposed to be like a quick conversation … Like my mother lives in Massachusetts … “Hey wanna see the grandkids .. yup … there they are … OK bye!” That’s what FaceTime should be.

She, however, disagrees. She treats it like a regular phone call. Even though it is most definitely NOT a regular phone call. First of all … she just FaceTime calls. No warning … no “Hey can we FaceTime some time today?” sort of text. Just … [[ring]] … FaceTiming youuuuu.

No … you cannot FaceTime unannounced! I gotta be seen on this thing. What if I look terrible? Like … when she called … and I looked terrible. I need prep time to sit in my makeup chair and look good for the stupid video call.

And second … when I finally did do this call .. She talked to my 6 year old daughter for 28 minutes. Who talks to a 6 year old for 28 minutes on anything … let alone FaceTime?

I’m sorry, but I cannot have a 28 minute face to face conversation with any human on this planet. Ever. I have a medical condition where I am physically unable to refrain from rolling my eyes at you when you’re annoying me. And every single person on earth is guaranteed to annoy me within a 28 minute span. It’s medical! It’s not in the Americans with Disabilities Act yet, but it will be some day darnit!

On a phone, I can just do it. And you don’t know, and we can continue. FaceTime? You gotta see it. That’s not good for anybody involved.

Stupid FaceTime. That’s one of things where when you don’t have it, you THINK you want it, but then when you actually get it, it was a really bad idea. Like a threesome. “Aw yeah .. that’ll be GREAT … two chicks at the same time!” Next thing you know your wife don’t like you anymore and she’s running off to live with her sexy bisexual friend that just “knows me so much better than you ever could.”

Hope it was worth it!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Overhyped

Dear Diary …

It’s good to be excited about things … To look forward to stuff. It’s certainly better than just being some apathetic lump of “oh whatever” for everything you see and do. That said, we got a problem these days where we can’t just be excited about something … we gotta go overboard. We can’t just look forward to something … we have to lose our minds over it.

An example … McDonald’s breakfast. As you have probably heard, McDonald’s is going to start offering their breakfast menu all day. And I’m sure you’ve heard this, because we are covering this story like it’s one of the greatest achievements in the history of mankind. Everywhere you look … McDonald’s will start serving breakfast ALL DAY!!!! Countdown to October 6th when McDonald’s starts serving breakfast ALL DAY!!!!!!!

I mean, you would think the Pope was coming to all of our houses individually for a cookout where he will give us the secrets of life after death AND anoint us all into Sainthood, when in fact we’re just talking about the ability to get a McMuffin at 2 in the afternoon.

Now don’t get me wrong … McDonald’s breakfast is awesome, and I think it’s pretty cool that you’ll be able to get it all day. But our excitement level over this is just a wee bit too high. I mean let’s be realistic … how many times in a year (non drunk or hungover) are you actually gonna order McDonald’s breakfast outside of breakfast time? Once? Twice? Which again, it’s pretty cool that you can, but chill out about it.

We love to just go crazy over little things … like remember that “Dress” on the internet? It’s black! No, it’s blue! No, it’s black! AHHHHH!!!!!!!!

OK … moving on Diary … musical taste is very subjective. Some people love a song, while other people hate that very same song. It’s a personal thing, and that’s cool, but every now and then, songs come along that just make me mad. It’s not that I love or hate them, they anger me because of what the song says.

Like Andy Grammer’s “Honey I’m Good” … I mean one could totally argue that you don’t “like” that song because of the hookie dookie “Oh no honey I’m good … blah boo dingle dong bingle blah blah should.” But for me … it goes beyond that. The song makes me mad … cuz of the words.

So here we got a guy that’s all proud of himself cuz he DIDN’T sleep with the random girl in a bar, who I like to point out he’s been flirting with all night while his girlfriend isn’t there. Where is she? Anyway, he says no to this girl and he’s all proud of himself, but goes on to say “cuz if I stay I might not leave alone.”

“Oh look at ME … I’m a good boyfriend … cuz I stayed faithful to YOU, honey! Granted, if I stayed for one more drink, I totally would’ve slept with that random girl I was inappropriately flirting with while you were home alone. Lucky you!” What a lousy boyfriend!

Also … who “bids somebody adieu” in a bar? What is that?

If I’m that random chick and he’s says “well I bid you adieu,” personally I’m relieved that I avoided hooking up with this dorkpile of a cheating loser.

Honey I’m good. No you’re not. You stink!

Look I know it’s just music and it’s not responsible for healing all the problems of the world, but sometimes the words are just so annoying. Like that song by Pitbull and Ne-Yo songs “Time of Our Lives.” He knows his rent is going to be late, and he doesn’t even have enough to pay it. So what does he do? Go to a club and waste all the money that he has. How is that responsible? see … this is why your rent was late in the first place because you don’t financially plan properly.

And don’t even get me started on this Jeremih and his “Don’t Tell ‘Em” song. Look … you and your secrets and your lies and your “Shhh … Don’t tell ’em.” As a father of a daughter, I very much don’t appreciate this line of singing there Jeremih!

Hey for as dumb as that song is … that whip and the ne-ne … at least it ain’t telling you to get evicted or cheat on your man and keep secrets. A little stanky leg never killed nobody!

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye.

Morning People

Dear Diary …

Every work day when my alarm goes off at 3:45am, the first thing that pops into my head is ….

{{{Oh My God … Why So Early?}}}

As you can see Diary … I am not a morning person.

Never have been.

Even as a tiny child … I wanted to stay up late and sleep in in the morning. My daughter pops up first thing in the morning like fresh toast … bouncing out of the top of the toaster. Me? I might’ve been one of the only kids on Earth already begging “Just gimme five more minutes” while I was in kindergarten.

Not surprisingly, at age 5, one of my favorite beverages was also coffee. I think my Mom thought it was cute that I wanted just a little spoonful. But oh no … I NEEDED it

But let’s get back to this morning people thing …

Yes I know … It’s wonderfully ironic and hilarious that this here night owl ended up with a job that even makes the crack of dawn say, “Oh man, you’re up at THAT time?”

But whatever … I accept it. I’m not sad or mad about it. Yes I’d rather be sleeping, but it is what it is, and I’ll deal.

That said … Morning people … Those of you that do like getting up bright and early … Why do you have to be so … “You?”

As a non-morning person, I wanna just chill … get some coffee … and get into the day.

Morning people want to [[SINGING]] EXPLODE onto the morning!!!

God yesterday I walk into the studio … and as I’m sure you could tell I work with a morning person … I get …

“Get in here!!!! YOU … WONDERFUL YOU!!!!! Come on IN! HAP-PY DAY!!!!!! FRIEND-LY FRIEND!!!!!”

Don’t make me kill you. I don’t wanna go to prison, the food is terrible there. And you gotta wake up too early!

Just dial it down.

And the response from morning people is always the same “Whatever … I’m happy. I’m just bringing you JOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Look here Sunshine and Rainbows … it’s fine if you wanna be like that … I applaud you for feeling that way, but don’t you go trying to force me to feel that way too. It’s just not gonna happen.

And really this goes for a lotta things in life … Just cuz you feel a certain way or believe a certain thing, you’re absolutely entitled to that, but you also don’t need to be forcing it on everybody else.

You don’t see me jamming bacon into the mouths of vegetarians, do you? And yet you get plenty of them saying, “well out of respect for my vegetarian beliefs could you please not eat meat in front of me?”

Actually no … no I will not honor that.

You do you. And I’ll do me.

Alright that sounds dirty, but … shut up … it’s too early for me to come up with anything else!

OK … moving on Diary …

This is a public service announcement to you people out there who have terrible ideas and requests … Stop trying to rope the rest of us into your bad plans. You know they’re bad plans, and you’re trying to force us into being a part of them.

Here’s what I’m talking about … Let’s say you have a “friend” who wants you to help them move. And I say “friend” in quotes, because real friends don’t ask you to help them move, but that’s for another day.

So this “friend” says … Hey can you help me move on Saturday?

And you politely say “Oooh … Sorry … I would love to, but I have plans that day. Can’t make it.”

Well what these evil people do is say …

“Oh that’s alright … We can do Sunday. Or Monday. Or Tuesday. Really any day for the next 3 weeks. Just let me know what works for you.”

You evil … EVIL … person! Now you’re stuck helping them move a gigantic armoire and there’s no gettin’ out it.

I hope you’re happy you devious bad plan person because when this is done. So are you. Friendship … OVER!

That might be extremem, but that’s what we gotta do … cut these people out of the circle. It’s the only way they’ll learn their lesson.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye