Nobody Has Your Back

Dear Diary …

Nobody has your back.  I hate to say it, but that’s the way you should probably always live your life.  That’s not to say that there aren’t people in your life that have your back … most of the time … but there is no way that you can guarantee 100% that somebody else will ALWAYS have your back.  So you just need to be prepared.

Take, for example, my wife.  If you asked me … “Does your wife have your back?” … I’d say yes.  But then there are times like the other day when I decide to make a sandwich for lunch.

So I go into the fridge, pull out the container of lunch meat, and start making a sandwich.

[[SNIFF]] [[SNIFF]] … something doesn’t seem quite right.  It’s one of those times where it isn’t blatantly obvious that the lunch meat is bad … but it just … seems … odd.

It’s probably fine, but I don’t know about you, but “probably fine” is NOT how I like to describe something I’m going to eat.  Not worth the risk.  So I toss it in the trash.

My wife sees me do this and says, “Yeah I was going to make a sandwich earlier, but I thought that lunch meat seemed a little off, so I didn’t use it.”

OK fine … but why did you put it back in the refrigerator for me to potentially eat?  What makes you think I wanna play “Diarrhea Roulette” with questionable lunch meat?

See?  Didn’t have my back!  Had to watch out for myself and thankfully avoided a potential disastrous situation.

OK … moving on Diary … it’s great being a kid.  I look at my kids and see them so happy and carefree all the time.  Which of course is because they ain’t got no job or bills to worry about, plus they act like there is an endless supply of everything they want, and it’s available at all times.

My daughter had her birthday party a couple weeks ago, and we got pizza for the kids.  Now these are little kids, so we didn’t get a ton of pizza, because they don’t eat a ton of pizza.  What I didn’t take into consideration though, is that thought they may not EAT a ton of pizza, but they definitely DROP a ton of pizza.

Furthermore … kids just think the laws of physics don’t apply to them.  How many times you watch a kid crawl under a table, and then just stand up and bash their head on the thing?  And they never learn.  Like the rules of science just don’t apply to them.

“Oh my head!”

Yeah … no kidding.  Don’t go standing up under tables you doofus.

And of course, what do they do? Turn around and do it again.

“Oh my head!”

No sympathy for you!

Anyway … at the party the kids basically say, “I can take a flimsy paper plate with some food on it, and then just wing it all over the place with my hands and nothing will POSSIBLY happen to the slidey piece of pizza sitting on top of this plate.”

Oh wait … It falls on the ground?  SHOCKER!!!

“I need another piece of pizza.”

OK … fine … here you go.

Next  kid … same exact thing.

“I need another piece of pizza too.”

Uhhh … we don’t have an endless supply of pizza, ya rugrats.

So I did what any good parent would do … I pretended to get them another slice of pizza, and then just gave them the slice of dirt pizza that they dropped on the ground in the first place.

Hey … I’d expect nothing less if my kid was at somebody else’s house flinging pizza all over the place.  [[[BLOW]]]  Blow it off … here’s your pizza kid.

My son eats boogers. He gonna be picky about a little fleck of dirt on a pizza?  I think not.

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye.