Category: Parenting

Dear Diary …

I really feel bad for kids today. Now yes, in a lot ways they get to live in an exciting time with amazing technological advances, but at the same time they are totally missing out on some other great things.

For example … When kids today grow up, they are never going to be able to “snow brag.”

“In my day, we went to school even when there was a FOOT of snow on the ground and we WALKED … uphill … both ways … in the cold.”

No you didn’t. You never go.

If anything, it’s gonna be the exact opposite where YOUR kids are gonna have to go to school and you’ll say …

“Brrr … it’s a little bit cold outside this morning. In my day we’d cancel school for a week if it was … you know … kinda chilly out.”

And don’t even start with me …

“Oh but it’s for the safety of our children. My children’s safety is the MOST important thing in the whole world.”

No it ain’t.

If it was, you wouldn’t let them wade around in that feces-laden ball crawl at you-know-where with the rodent mascot.

And God knows what’s inside that Hamburger Helper you’re lettin’ em eat.

So let’s not get all high and mighty here and instead, let’s face the facts … the world can be a scary and dangerous place. If we’re SO worried about safety … our kids should probably never leave the house. Like ever.

If it’s snowing out, it’s too cold. If it’s raining out, it’s too slippery, and if you walk around with your mouth open you might even drown.
If it’s hot out … uhhh hello … sunburn … skin cancer? Shoot … If they’re on their way to school, and they have lunch in their backpack, you never know when a bear might just wade outta the woods and be all hungry try to bite our precious little snowflakes and steal their lunch.

Nope … cancel school forever. We’ll all just homeschool ‘em. They can have Snapchat playdates with their friends. It’s all about the safety.

And look … I understand that they’re just doing their best when it comes to the school closings. I don’t necessarily agree with it, but it is what it is. That said, what I’m not doing anymore, is getting called into any meeting at the school the next time my kids miss a couple days of school when we go on vacation or whatever.

“Oh we take attendance very seriously.” No! You can say that AND cancel school at the drop of a hat. It’s one or the other.

That’s as if a guy like Tiger Woods … who cheats on his wife over and over and over again we’re to get all mad if he found out his wife was flirting with one other dude. No! You don’t get to have it both ways there, Mister.

Here’s another thing … Our kids are never going to get to experience the joy of coming down on Saturday morning and rejoicing because … LAAAAAAHH! … Saturday morning cartoons were on.

All week long you suffered thru your parents lousy television, and FINALLY there was a day for YOU.

Now? Every day is Saturday morning cartoons. They can watch whatever they want, whenever they want. And at first you think, “oh but that’s a good thing because it’s just right there at our fingertips and we can fire up their show for them.”

Yeah … I used to think that. Till I realized … we parents are the real losers here. When we were kids, we used to have to sit thru all of Mommy and Daddy’s shows, since ours weren’t on.

Now today … Daddy doesn’t get to watch any of his shows because he … and by “he” I mean “me” … is watching Space Buddies for the 473rd time instead.

So I’d say “poor them,” but really I should be saying “poor me,” since I’m the one stuck watching it instead of them sit there and watch my boring episode of some grownup show.

I mean really when I think about it … and I’m lumping myself in here … We might be the dumbest generation of parents. Ever! We totally let these monsters boss us around, and do whatever the heck they want.

But I’ll tell you what the solution is …

… As soon as I figure out what the solution is cuz I don’t know. So if you could … like … help me.

Please…

…Please!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Dear Diary …

I just got back from vacation. Two glorious weeks of vacation. And for the most part, it was exactly that … glorious.

No alarm clock. No bedtime. French Press fancy coffee int he morning. Don’t brush your teeth till noon. Whatever you wanna do! Everything about it was great … except for one thing … the children.

You see Diary … they were on vacation too, and now that they are five and two years old, I’m learning that two weeks with each other in the same house, is simply too much for these little demons to handle.

Much like a dog left in their crate for too long … The kids were simply going kennel crazy. And yes, I probably could’ve taken them somewhere, but this was MY vacation too, and I don’t wanna do no loser kid things. And furthermore … All you people had the flu! I saw all the whining on social media. I’m not messin’ with that. We’re in quarantine … I am NOT going out there with all those germs!

Man … the last few days of vacation … just brutal. These kids got all sorts of new presents and toys for Christmas, but the only thing they wanted to play was a game I call “Torment Your Sibling.”

“YNNNGHAAAAA …. NGGGEEEEE ….. NAAHHHHH!!!! I had it first! GNNNAHHHHH!!” [NOTE: If you’re reading this instead of listening to this, this part probably isn’t doing you justice right now. Go to 1:17 on the audio to suffer properly.]

That was the soundtrack of my house. The two kids were pretty much ready to kill each other, and my wife and I were basically ready to let ‘em. At one point on Sunday, she and I are sitting in the living room, and the two of them just start fighting upstairs.

So ask my wife … “Now what are they fighting about?”

She says “I don’t know. Just leave ‘em up there figure it out, or one can kill the other, or whatever.”

That ws it. We were done. And it was at that moment I realized how important school is … I mean sure for … um … learning or social blah blah … but mostly as a place … AWAY … to take them. A-WAY.

Here’s another thing I’m learning as the kids get older … they hate for Mommy and Daddy to have an actual adult conversation. At least I assume they hate them, because they destroy every single one we try to have.

It’s amazing … all you have to do is start having a conversation … and then magically one of those little bees comes … BZZZZZ … buzzing into the room. In this conversation my son was first … “I want milk.”

Which by the way, if you tell him no tot hat request, he thinks he can get milk by talking lower and growling his request. “Grrr … I want milk!” [Again with the reading vs. listening. Go to 2:28]

Fine … so the rabid raccoon gets his milk. I don’t care, just get out of here.

Start having a grownup conversation again .. and now my daughter walks in “Momma … let me tell you all the accessories they have for American Girl Dolls. They have shoes … and hats … and pets … and shirts”

“Ok thank you”

“…and wheelchairs … and tables … and a necklace”

“OK … THANK YOU!!!”

I mean … I love the heck out of these kids, but man they are SO annoying!

Diary, I realize that when I look at really rich people … and I’m kinda jealous of them … it’s not because they have fancy cars, or that they take lavish trips or anything like that … it’s cuz they have nannies.

Man I wish I had a nanny! I’m telling you … I would love my kids more because I could hang out with ’em, and as soon as I got sick of ’em, Helga could go give ’em a bath. THAT, my friends, is the life to strive for!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Dear Diary …

As you know … I have two small children. And as anybody who’s raised children knows … they are the apple of your eye. And sometimes that’s a sweet, delicious, beautiful apple that you love and cherish. And other days it’s a rotting hunk of fruit that fell off the tree, landed on the ground, got bruised all over, and has a big, gross, worm in the middle of it.

Because let’s just call it like it is … some days your kids straight up suck. Other days they are the light of your life and you just wanna :::squeeze em::: you love ‘em so much. Then other days you just want to leave them on the sidewalk with the bulk trash and start a new kidless life as a beach bum in Key West who drinks margaritas all day and rents surfboards to tourists.

Which day do you think I had yesterday?

Now it is true … those are the days that truly test your skill as a parent because, Diary, I swear to you … I think sometimes kids say to themselves “I am going to misbehave until I get in trouble. Try to reason with me all you want … I’m still going to be an unreasonable little turd and getting punished is the only thing that will stop me.” That was both my kids yesterday.

My daughter just gets in these moods. Like right now she’s learning how to read. So we sit down with the books, sound out the words, and everything is fine. She works it out and bangs out a page in no time like a champ.

Other days … Like yesterday … She just decides “I’m gonna be a jerk” and she then refuses to do it right. The word was “crawl” … and instead of really even trying to sound it out, all she does is go …

Cuuuuuuhhhhhh … Crowbs? I dunno. Crowbs. That it?

No it is not crowbs … you know darn well crowbs isn’t a word! And it’s not like this is an isolated incident, when she’s in this mood, that’s what you get on EVERY … SINGLE … WORD.

Duuuuuhhhh …. I don’t know.

DOG!!! The word is DOG!

But she knows that. And she knows she knows that. She’s just wants to be a stain.

Meanwhile my son … he’s just laying on the couch, yelling “Mickey Mouse! Want Mickey Mouse!”

OK fine … I’ll get you some Mickey Mouse. I call it up on the TV, and Diary, there are three different Mickey Mouse’s. You can have regular Mickey Mouse Clubhouse … You got Mickey Mouseketeers … nd You got Mickey Christmas. That is the entire Mickey Mouse catalog of his life. Those are the things he knows. So it has gotta be one of those three.

So do you want Mickey Mouse Clubhouse? “No!”

Alright … do you want Mickey Mouseketeers? “No!”

Alright Mickey Christmas then? “No!”

OK well that’s it … there’s no others. “Want Mickey Mouse!”

There is no other Mickey Mouse! “Want Mickey Mouse! Not that one!”

WHAT ONE???

I’m telling you … I see it, and you see it too. They’re doing it to me on purpose.
And also, where exactly do they learn to talk with their hand on their hip and have this “I have attitude” voice? Where does that voice come from? We are not a sassy black family from a sitcom … so where in real life does she pick this up? It’s gotta be school. It’s always school.

Oh and once the hand is on the hip … oh it’s all over with. The only way to stop her is to send her to her room.

“Well I was playing with it first”

Yes that’s fine … but now it’s your brother’s turn.

“But I was playing with it first.”

Yes … you made that point already.

“Well I was first”

Got to your room!

“FINE!”

Yes … exactly … fine. You know, I used to have adult conversations with other grown adults. Now I just have this conversation 10 times a day.

Though I will say, I’ve at least grown to have appreciation for the small moments of these whole things. Like when kids have temper tantrums and you send them to their room … The things that they yell from there that you can’t even hear or understand are hilarious.

“I can’tya yakayou TAKE IT DOWN!”

Yup … whatever you said! Stay up there for 45 minutes while Daddy catches up on “Walking Dead.” Bye bye.

Hey it’s a give and take. Some days they’re great. Other days … they’re this.

But you know what helps? Drinking.

Now you know … kids don’t be like me … or whatever … and don’t drink TOO much. Just drink enough that you only fantasize about leaving them out with the bulk trash, and don’t actually follow thru.

OK … birth control class over.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Dear Diary …

I fight the good fight. I’m a watchdog against The Man. My eyes are always in focus … seeking out the ignorance and injustices of the world. And the scams. And I have unearthed a new one of those … Box Tops.

Before I had children … I had never heard of box tops. If you asked me what they were, I would’ve assumed they were … well … the tops of boxes where you open the box to get stuff out. That’s a box top, right?

Oh how wrong I was about that. Because box tops is actually a nationally organized crime syndicate meant to scam all of us.

Granted, they don’t ACT like a nationally organized crime syndicate. You go to their website, and they say things like “we help children!” Just clip your box tops, give them to your kid, who brings them to school, and your school gets money. Hooray box tops! This, my friends, is where the scam starts.

You see Diary … I am a food snob.

I used to try to deny it in the past …

“I’m not a food snob … I just like good food!”

But then I realized, that’s what exactly made me a food snob. And I’m OK with it. And I’m OK with the fact that a lot of people like to eat pre-processed beef stew in a can. I think it’s gross. You think it’s yummy. To each his own, but this food snob sticks his nose in the air at the thought of things like that.

Problem is … lots of those foods have box tops. Which wouldn’t be a problem for me if not for the fact that my school wants as many box tops as they can get … so they can get as much money as possible. So they tell kids … like my daughter … If you bring us five box tops a week, you get popcorn on Fridays! And if you don’t … well all your friends get popcorn … but not you … because you didn’t bring in an box tops.

Now you see how I’m affected by this because I have to get box tops for my daughter, or she’s the loser in the corner without any popcorn. But the problem, of course, is that’s in direct conflict with food snob me.

Cuz you know what has box tops? Hamburger helper. You know what doesn’t? The locally-sourced grass-fed goat leg that I bought at the Farmer’s Market and made for Sunday dinner. You can flip that thing over as many times as you want, there’s not a single box top on it.

Big scam these box tops. They’re all in cahoots! Trying to make me buy $10 in products that I don’t want, just so my kid can have 3 cents of popcorn. Oh heck no!

So you know what I do? I scam the system back.

Cuz you know what else has box tops? Lots and lots of box tops? EBay!

Here’s a riddle … What’s got two thumbs and a giant bag of box tops now for $10?

This guy!

Popcorn party ALL … YEAR … LONG!

Take that box tops!

I believe the score is now …

Zack Jackson: One
You: Zero

Till next time Diary, I say goodbye.