First World Problems – Page 3 – Angry Zack's Anger Diary

I Ain’t Asking For Much

Dear Diary …

As we sit here this morning … not being billionaires because apparently we can’t be the lucky schmuck who wins the lottery .. I just gotta declare on behalf of all of us … C’mon man … I ain’t askin’ for much!

By the way … If you want tips on how to win the lottery, just remember that you gotta buy your ticket from the crappiest and scariest convenience store … in Michigan. Because that’s where the winner always seems to happen. You also gotta be weird lookin’ … probably wear things like checkered shirts and suspenders. And don’t comb your hair. You always want to look a little dumpy when you pick up your prize.

But back to my point … I ain’t asking for much. Ok fine … I’m never gonna win the billion dollar lottery … it’s cool … I can accept that I guess. So in the meantime can I at least get some other lucky benefits in life … like can I stop running over stuff?

That doesn’t feel like I’m asking for much, but apparently it is because I always run over stuff. You can be rest assured that if there’s a nail in the road, I’m gonna be the one to run it over and have it jam into my car tire. And not just nails … last week I had the privilege of being lucky enough to run over a drill bit replacement and have it blast its way into my tire. And yes … I drive on normal roads. You would think I was driving in the middle of a Home Depot with a drill bit in my tire!

I mean you talk about the odds of winning the lottery, but the odds of running over a drill bit replacement AND have it go into your tire gotta be just about the same longshot. But do I win the billion dollar lottery? NAHHHH … I just win the … runnin’ over stuff lottery. Lucky me!

And what the heck is the deal anyway? Where do all these nails come from? Never once in my life have I seen a nail just hanging out, sticking straight up in the road. And yet that seems to be exactly the case every time I run one over. Like how does that even happen.

I should also add that in the same week my wife managed to hit a deer with her car … the second time in a week. So now that’s all jacked up too.

And again … what can possibly be the odds of running over a drill bit replacement … and hitting two deer in the same week … AND having an entire tree fall on your house in the same three month span? But a billion dollars? Nope … those odds are just too impossible to hit. But in this situation … lucky me!

Sweet! I feel so blessed!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Two of Everything

Dear Diary …

Now I’m not one to get into religious arguments with … well … ANYBODY. I’m not sure why anyone thinks that’s a good idea. You believe whatever it is you wanna believe. I’ll believe whatever it is I wanna believe. And from there I don’t even wanna say, “We can agree to disagree,” cuz even that doesn’t happen. Instead let’s just … ignore.

However, I do have a bone to pick with the Bible … particularly this Noah dude and his Ark. And the whole story is fine, but I feel like I got him to blame for this “two of everything” problem I now have in modern times.

Let me tie this all together for you …

As you probably know … God told Noah to take two of everything and toss it on his Ark while he made it rain. Cool. Thanks Noah … you saved the day and zoos everywhere can show off some camels to everybody today.

But the problem is the youth of the world have taken this “two of everything” concept too far because now when I go into my pantry, it looks like the Noah’s Ark of open snacks. Open box of Cheezits here … hey look! … a second open box of Cheezits there. There’s two of everything open in here.

And when I ask the heathens … I mean children … I hear things like “I didn’t see it.” You didn’t see the open box? Right next to the other box????

Or this one … “Well that one was ALMOST empty.”

Yeah? Well then that means it was ALMOST time to open a second box, but IT WASN’T TIME YET !!!!

Look man .. I like eatin’ fresh slices of bread as much as anybody, but this is a good learning moment sometimes life hands you the butt end of the bread and you gotta make a butt sandwich out of it. So sit there and eat it! Put that in the Bible … that’s a life lesson!

Till next time Diary … I say goodbye.

Merry Christmas!

Dear Diary …

OK everyone … don’t freak out. Don’t go crazy. Don’t get all mad. But I am here to tell you … Merry Christmas!

OK OK … it’s not exactly that, but I am here to talk you off the ledge when you go to the store this week and you see … GASP … Christmas stuff for sale! Oh heavens to Betsy!

What I need you to do is resist the temptation to get all mad and immediately take a picture and run to your social media and post it and say “I can’t believe they already have Christmas stuff out at the store! It’s too early!”

Alright … just stop. Let it go.

Cuz here’s the deal … it’s not too early.

Yeah … it’s too early to put your tree up or start decorating your yard, but it’s not too early to start buying stuff. Why? Because it’s never too early to buy stuff. Because when you want stuff … just buy it!

Ain’t nobody freaking out in February when they’re selling shorts at the Gap. “I can’t believe they’re already selling shorts! It’s not even spring!”

Look … they put it out there because sometimes you wanna buy shorts in February and sometimes you wanna buy Christmas stuff in September. They got winter coats for sale right now. Ain’t nobody lighting torches and marching the streets in protest over that.

You don’t wanna buy Christmas stuff right now? Fine. Don’t. But maybe somebody else does.

I just bought a refrigerator over the weekend. So now I have no need to shop for one for hopefully a REALLY long time. But I’m not mad if they’re still out there for somebody else to buy. The universe doesn’t revolve around just you. Some people wanna get that stuff out of the way … or maybe they’re excited for the holidays. Who really cares the reason? If that’s not for you .. then don’t bother.

I think pumpkin spice is nasty. But … some basic person with their autumn knit cap on is super excited about it. Great! Have at it!

There’s Christmas-themed stores that are open year round. And if you don’t like it … then don’t go there. Nobody’s forcing you. Do your own thing and move on!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Bring Baby Powder

Dear Diary …

I like to think I provide halfway decent advice. At the very least, I hope somebody out there at least realizes that they’re doing something dumb and stops doing it after I point it out. (Though you know how it is with dumb people … they dumb.) It’s like a wise man once said … “If you can change just one idiot’s ways, you’ve done your job.” Or maybe it was Oprah. Or maybe I read it on a shirt in Myrtle Beach.

Anyway … I’m here to help. So today I’ve got some helpful pieces of life advice.

Life advice #1: Bring Baby Powder

This is one that must evolve as you get older, because when I was a kid this issue never came up, but now? Man there’s chafing. I don’t know when that butt to sweat to pant ratio changes, but boy does it change! I just got back from this big ol’ food festival, and let me tell you right now, if I didn’t have my trustly bottle of baby powder on me at all times, you’d probably find my red and irritated corpse laying on the streets of Greenville, South Carolina.

Any when I was at FloydFest? Oh you can forget about it. They might as well change the name of that whole festival to Chafe-O-Rama. And if Johnson and Johnson ain’t a sponsor of that thing, it should be. At the very least, I’m gonna buy me a bunch of those little travel size bottles of baby powder, set up a booth, and then sell them for $500 each as the night goes on. Heck at one point I woulda paid twice that, and I HAD my own supply!

Life advice #2: Don’t Talk to Me

Here’s where we go back to the whole, “change just one idiot’s mind” thing from earlier. If you don’t know me, and we’re around each other, resist the temptation to speak to me. Now I don’t mean ALL talking. You wanna tell me my shoes are cool or my face looks awesome? Go for it!

I’m more talking about if you’ve got some sort of complaint or general whininess going on … I don’t want to hear about it.

If we are both standing in a line. And it’s long. I’m aware that it’s long. I don’t need you to start telling me, “boy this line is long!” Then go into your whole rant about how there aren’t enough registers open or nobody wants to work or whatever other “angry AM radio agenda” you have on your mind. I don’t care! Nobody cares! Don’t talk!

I know exactly what this is … this is a person who’s already worn out everybody in their life. Friends don’t call them anymore. Family ignores them. So now they’re just looking for someone … ANYONE … to listen to their boring topics. This is why Facebook is the billion dollar company that it is … they tapped into these noodnicks and gave them a platform to complain about the line for the WHOLE world to hear. Thanks Zuckerberg!

Till next Time Diary .. I say … Goodbye

Eat Drink and Sit

Dear Diary …

I enjoy me a beach vacation. Granted … sand is kinda just … awful and sandy … but it’s all part of the experience. The sun … the surf … the smell of the ocean air … I’m cool with all that. However, there is one thing that is totally ruining the beach going experience. And it doesn’t even have to be a thing.

I mean I don’t know about you, but I go to the beach to eat, drink, and sit. That’s what you’re supposed to do, right? It’s a time to leave everyday hassles behind and just enjoy a different life for a couple days. Which is why I don’t need you people who are doing all kinds of exercisin’ at the beach. What is wrong with you? I thought the whole point was to get AWAY from everyday life? I mean do you go inside and open your mail and pay bills while you’re at it?

I was just at the beach recently and in the morning I’m on my way to the store … and to be clear I’m on my way to the store because I have leftover mac and cheese and pulled pork BBQ and I need to buy tortillas so I can make awesomely ooey gooey BBQ pork and mac and cheese quesadillas. And beer. Needed more beer.

So what I don’t need is to look up and see some guy standing on the deck of his beach house doing all sorts of exercises. He’s got those rubber band tension band thingies and he’s just standing there with his arms pushed all the way out … and just holdin’ it. Not to mention he’s dressed like a fluorescent green traffic cone so he’s REALLY going out of his way to be all, “Look at ME! I’m exercising at the BEACH!”

Alright look here Mr. Universe … you’re not better than me just because you’re still “gettin’ a workout in” while you’re on vacation. Truth is you’re probably better than me for a lot of reasons because I’m awful … but this isn’t one of them!!!

And for as bad as that person in, the people who go running on the actual beach are even worse. Because now I’m sittin’ there doing my … you know … eat drink and sit like I’m supposed to go … I got them all right in front of me runnin’ around with their little fanny pack water bottles … keep looking at their watch like they’re timing themselves for a race or something.

Get outta here with this! I don’t come to the gym and sit down next to you and eat a pizza because that’s your “workout zone.” So I don’t need to see you doing a bunch of lunges here in the “eat drink and sit zone.”

C’mon people! Somtimes it’s OK to just … be BAD and have some fun. Stupid work and chores and the gym will be there when you get back. Eat drink and sit!!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

The Streak Is Over

The Streak Is Over

Dear Diary …

I hate technology!

OK, it’s not that I hate ALL technology … I mean it’s pretty dang sweet to be able to watch every single scoring play on a football Sunday without ever changing the channel, but what I hate is technology that is just meant to control us and mess with us.

I hate streaks!

And curse the gaming and social media world for figuring out that the human brain is obsessed with “streaks” even when they are completely meaningless. Like why am I over here all mad and depressed just because I forgot to do the Wordle ONE TIME. It’s not that I even got it wrong, I just happened to have REAL LIFE things go on so I didn’t have time to roll around in word play fantasy land.

But now I gotta wear the scarlet letter of shame because my streak is done and there’s no going back. And yeah, you can start over, but who the heck wants to start over?

And you see how stupid this whole thing is? This streak is completely meaningless!

I’m a dork that plays Candy Crush … and every time I don’t play for a day I get bonked all the way back down the ladder to day one. And really, I should be PROUD of myself that I didn’t play Candy Crush for a day because … let’s be honest … I’m a loser that I’m playing it this often in the first place!

Stupid streaks!

I also hate apps. And mainly the fact that every single thing out there thinks they gotta have an app now. I don’t need a million apps on my phone … some things can be perfectly fine just using a regular ol’ browser. Or how about this? How about using nothing at all?

I had to put together a TV stand recently and instead of it coming with a piece of paper with the instructions … I had to go download an app, find my TV stand in a list of 7 billion products, and sit there staring at my phone to go thru every step.

Uhh … hello? Piece of paper? Piece of paper is cheap. You didn’t need to spend a million dollars on some stupid app that I don’t even want and will delete as soon as I’m done. And God forbid these people figure out that if they set some sort of streak option for “number of days in a row you’ve assembled a TV stand,” well now I’m gonna be totally hooked and angry about it.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

New Clothes Season

Dear Diary …

Now that we’re all knee deep in Back to School I can say this … there is never a good time to wear new clothes. Especially as an adult.

We recently did a little outlet mall run for some Back to School shopping, but I of course did a little shoppin’ for myself to celebrate back to … uh … Tuesday or wherever. Look … when you go to the outlet malls sometimes you’re just legally obligated to buy certain things.

We went into Old Navy to look for some stuff for my son and there right in front of me was a pair of shorts … in my size … for $8. And maybe you don’t agree, but I believe you HAVE to buy $8 shorts when they are presented to you. That’s like practically free. For $8 they’re borderline disposable shorts that you could wear for a week and then throw in the garbage.

Anyway … I buy the $8 shorts and a pile of other stuff at a couple different stores and then I immediately face the dilemma … When do you actually wear this stuff?

The temptation is to just wear it the very next day. It’s new. You’re excited to have new stuff. It’s … CLEAN and you probably don’t wanna do laundry. But I always feel like the biggest dork in the world if I wear it the next day. To me, I feel no different than “Concert T-shirt Guy” who goes to a concert, buys a t-shirt at the merch counter, and then IMMEDIATELY puts it on and walks around. Yup … here at the concert … provin’ that I’m at the concert!

And when you have new clothes, the next day everybody you see makes you feel like a dork too … “Oh look at you! Somebody got new clothes!” Oh Lord.

But … if I wait … well then I feel stupid too. I got these new clothes I’m all excited about and they’re just sittin’ there while I wear some dumb polo that’s a couple years old. And I blame other people. One …. Because as we’ve all learned in society and social media … nobody actually blames THEMSELVES for anything. Blah! That’s just dumb! And two … it is everyone else’s fault because now they say, “Oh did you just get new clothes?”

Nah … I got ‘em a while back but this is my first time wearing them.

“First time?? What’s wrong with you??? What are you waitin’ for???”

And that brings up the real lesson of today … other people are annoying. They’re just the worst. Always around … doin’ stuff and talkin’ or just … you know … existing.

Now I of course don’t mean YOU, person listening to this right now. I mean OTHER people. Man I love that loophole. “Well you don’t mean ME right?”

NOOOO!!! Other people!!! Never you!!!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The Parking Lot Waltz

Dear Diary …

I don’t mind a little singin’ and dancin’ … granted I can’t even figure out how to properly Floss, but if you can pull it off … more power to ya. That said … there’s a time and a place for singin’ and dancin’ … especially dancin’ … and that place is NOT the parking lot at the grocery store.

And I know what you’re thinking … “Who’s twerking in the parking lot at the grocery store?” First of all … nobody. Second … that one I’d probably be OK with … because what I’m not OK with is the parking lot waltz.

You know the parking lot waltz … even if you don’t think you do.

It’s when you’re trying to drive to a parking space, and the person walking in front of your car in your way is [[music]] … doing a long … slow … diagonal waltz thru the parking lot. Not a care in the world. And clearly not in a hurry to get anywhere.

You JUST saw me one second ago when you walked in front of my car … but now … [[music]] … that car must’ve just disappeared behind me.

Look … I don’t advocate for running anybody over … but somebody like this at least deserves a light tap to remind them that they are on foot and may want to get out of the way of the giant car. I’m just looking for a little hustle, man. Well … that and a straight line. Walk in it.

Moving on Diary …

I understand this is irrational anger … OK … everything in the Anger Diary is irrational anger … so too bad … we’re here now … I hate “mug cake.” That’s right … mug cake! Really I hate any time the kids discover some sort of food and drink concoction online and then start trashing my kitchen with it, but mug cake is the WORST. Because now they basically just dump some flour, sugar, and chocolate into a mug … and onto the counter … and onto the floor. And then heat it up in the microwave to explode everywhere and make a giant mess.

And somehow they think mug cake also defies the laws of snacks and desserts. Two o’clock in the afternoon …

“What are you doing?”

“Making mug cake.”

“It’s two o’clock in the afternoon. That’s not a snack. That’s a dessert.”

“Yeah but it’s mug cake.”

Hate you mug cake! And especially hate you afterward because that black, over-microwaved chocolate never wants to come off any of the mugs. And yes … I know the kids should clean it themselves, but they conveniently “forget” every single time.

If I told them, I’ll give you $20 if you remind me at exactly 8:47 two weeks from next Thursday … oh they got that one memorized … but “rinse your dishes” … [charlie brown mumbles]

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Zack’s Solves the Supply Chain Crisis

Zack Solves the Supply Chain

Dear Diary …

I am here today to solve the global supply chain crisis. That’s right. ME! Not our world leaders or tech CEO Gods … they’re all busy fightin’ each other or flyin’ into space or whatever. So instead you get … this guy … radio man in southwest Virginia. And while that doesn’t seem like a big enough man for the job, sometimes it just takes one little guy to make a big difference.

OK … here goes … here’s how we solve the supply chain issues …

Stop making new stuff.

There you go … problem solved!

Here’s a little pro tip from a total amateur … if you’re the company that makes Triscuits. And you can’t keep regular Triscuits on the shelves … you don’t need to introduce things like pumpkin spice flavored Triscuits. Nobody wants those anyway!

Just make … gasp … regular Triscuits. In this time of crisis, ain’t nobody looking for “cracked black pepper” anyway.

And if you make white chocolate flavored anything … just stop. The world don’t want your flavor. Spend that time making regular chocolate or just branch out and make car microchips or something. We need those way more than white chocolate anyway.

People … there’s a reason why we’re never out of cauliflower crust pizzas at the store … they’re stupid! Just make the things we actually want and need … and then maybe someday down the road you can have silly extra side products.

And for the love of God we need more regular alcohol at the store! Have you watched the news sober? OK to be fair I don’t recommend watching the news drunk either … but you definitely don’t wanna watch it sober.

We don’t need cotton candy flavored vodka right now … we need whiskey. More whiskey!

There. Supply chain crisis solved. If you’re a company that makes something people want or need … just make it. Don’t be wasting your time on flashy “new and improved” stuff. We just want “old and the same” and we want to see it on the shelves when we get there.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Black Friday Is Dead

Dear Diary …

So we’re about to enter that time of year again where I always ask myself the same question … “Where the heck do all these people come from?”

I don’t get it. We spend 11 months out of the year with the same crowds and traffic patterns, and then all of a sudden in the month of December it feels like there’s about a million more people crawling all over the place.

And I’m not talking about crowds at the malls or something … that makes sense. It’s holiday shopping time, so of course people are doing more shopping than normal. But suddenly there’s also a huge line at the drugstore, Taco Bell, and pretty much just everywhere you turn … people.

Who are these people? And where are they the rest of the year?

I go out and drive around at three o’clock in the afternoon on a Tuesday in July and it’s dead, but make that same drive on a Tuesday in December and suddenly there’s people all over the place.

Who are you???

And where do you go in January?

Do you live in caves up in the hills and you only descend to Christmas ornaments and peppermint flavored things? And is that what you live off of when you hibernate for the rest of the year? I wanna know the answer to the mystery!

And while we’re talking holidays, can I just go ahead and give the eulogy for Black Friday? Cuz it is dead.

Now … not that I was ever gonna be one of those people shoulder-blocking old ladies out of the way for a $20 television, but I will admit there was some charm to this big huge shopping day where everybody got crazier than a cuckoo clock and the deals were insanely awesome. Again … I wasn’t going out there, but I did at least like to hear about it.

But now? I’ve already been hearing for two weeks … “The Black Friday deals have already started and go ALL month long!”

Well then guess what? That means Black Friday don’t matter anymore cuz it’s the same at 29 other days.

You had to ruin it. You had to get all greedy and try to get more sales. So you scaled it back to Thanksgiving. And then … you scaled it back to the Monday before Thanksgiving. And now it’s the whole month.

Well … rest in peace Black Friday. You’re dead.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.