Category: First World Problems

Sitting Outside Is Overrated


Dear Diary …

Summertime … we are definitely into it now. And a lot of things are great about the summer … wearin’ shorts, going on vacation, fresh fruits and vegetables at the Farmer’s Market. All those things are good. At the same time there are plenty of things that are totally overrated about the summer … sand, kids being home all the time, and one in particular that I wanna address today … sitting outside.

I don’t know why we think we gotta do it in the summer … But we go to a restaurant and there’s a perfectly comfortable, air conditioned inside. And yet for some misguided reason, we think we gotta say “no thank you” to that, and bake our bodies outside in the hot sun instead.

Sure … there’s a time and a place when it’s great to sit outside, but we’re beyond that now. That’s for a month ago when it was warm. Now it’s hot. Stinky sweaty butt crack, Southern humidity, heat stroke kinda hot … and yet like a bunch of dummies we’re like “Hey let’s sit outside!”

No! Let’s not!

Cuz here’s the deal … at just about every restaurant with outdoor seating there’s like 3 comfortable seats with nice shade, and the rest are one million degrees and just … sweaty. Not good for the person, terrible for the ice cubes in your drink, and downright disastrous for your yummy mayonnaise-laden chicken salad sandwich you just ordered up.

Who are we impressing by sitting out here? If God wanted us to sit outside, he never would’ve invented air conditioning in the first place! Totally overrated!

OK … moving on Diary …

How is it that we’ve gotten to the point where so many of us are just completely unaware that there are other humans around us? Way too many of us act like we are the only person on Earth … drifting thru the aisles of the grocery store as we wander from side to side and take up the whole row, or just plopping down in the left hand lane, driving one mile under the speed limit and never moving, or one I have come across a few times recently … being REALLY LOUD in the middle of the night in a hotel.

I went out of town over the weekend with the wife, and at 3:45am it sounded like an entire wedding reception was taking place in the hallway.

Hey man … I’m no square. Even though the term “square” sounds kinda square. But it’s not like it’s 10:01 and I’m complaining because I’ve “got a big meeting in the morning.” It’s 4am … and it’s not like a quick “HEY WE’RE DRUNK AND WE’RE ON OUR WAY TO OUR ROOM!” It’s not quick like that … it’s for an extended period of time.

Most recent trip to Myrtle the same thing from the people upstairs … 5am … back and forth back and forth back and forth for like an hour up there. Who does that much walking around at 5am? Don’t you just wanna sit there and be drunk?

No awareness to the world around you.

I totally feel for you people out there that rent apartments and condos and have to deal with this every day of your lives. Seriously, it’s the one major positive to owning your own house.

People try to fill you with lies like … “Owning a house is such a great investment.” Yeah not really … everything breaks all the time and you’re the one that has to fix it. That line is garbage. What they need to say is “Owning a house means never having to hear the jackass neighbors upstairs mash potatoes at 2 o’clock in the morning while you’re trying to sleep and they’re playing “50 Shades of Grey” in their dining room.”

THAT’S why you own a house!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Moms Are Annoying


Dear Diary …

Today I’m going to tackle … Moms. Now, I’m not going to actually tackle Moms like this is a football game, though I feel like some Moms might tackle ME by the time this is all over.

But here’s the thing … Don’t kill me.

I’m not saying the things I’m about to say because as a put down to any Moms. I’m saying them because I wanna help Moms get past some facts and opinions that are out there. I like Moms. I’m married to one. Ya’ll are awesome. Without you doing the things you do, we’re all screwed.

At the same time … Can we all agree that this current generation of Moms has gotten kind of annoying? No all of ‘em … again … don’t kill me … But you gotta admit that we got a bunch of bad apples that are trying to make the whole batch of Moms turn rotten.

Is it because we’ve given them all blogs? Because their blogs are kinda scary if you read ‘em for too long. Like they’re all on the edge, and they’re just gonna SNAP one of these days.

And I don’t know … Maybe Moms of generations past had the same kooky thoughts, and we just didn’t know about it because they didn’t have blogs.

But I don’t think so … I think we’ve all become part of the problem because we totally cater to the “I’m a busy Mom” crowd for just about everything. I mean … that’s all Pinterest is … bunch of Mom recipes, Mom crafts, Mom ideas, and Mom motivational quotes that you put on the wall.

Hey I know you’re busy … I feel like everybody’s busy for the most part … but this group of Moms is out to make sure you know they’re busy, and that it’s also somehow your fault that they are and you’re gonna owe them something for it later.

Diary … I watch a lot of Food Network. Cuz 1) I’m a food nerd, and 2) With my job, I kinda operate on Stay-At-Home Mom hours a little bit. And what Food Network has done is totally bounce any kind of actual chef from their programming, and now it’s just a parade of “I’m a busy Mom” cooks who plop a bunch of things on plates and call it a day.

The other day I’m watching the show “The Kitchen” … which is sort of like “The View” but about 10 times more annoying and only about food. They had their “Busy Mom o’ the Day” sharing her whatever recipe and gives everybody a plate at the end to taste, but she forgets to make one for herself and immediately says “Oh just like a Mom, I always forget to serve myself!” Ugh. And everybody on that show … what do they do? Laugh uproariously. DON’T ENCOURAGE HER!!!

Woman … you deserve to eat too … serve yourself! Quit pullin’ this whole … “Oh I give all of myself cuz I’m all out about my babies and nothing else on Earth about me matters.” Forget that! I got kids … they don’t deserve that much of anybody’s time and effort. They can get some, but they sure as heck haven’t earned the right to have a personal Mom servant at their every beck and call.

So cut it out! You’re a woman. You’re awesome. Quit turnin’ into some sort of Mom-Cyborg that “does … nothing … but … serves … the … humans.” Cuz you know what? As a Dad … let me level with you … not attractive.

And here’s what I don’t understand … you’d think they’d be less uptight about the whole thing because the whole Boozy Wine Mom Subculture is on FIRE right now. So why they so angry? Shouldn’t a glass or 6 of wine make them a little more relaxed? Sheesh!

OK … I’m gonna go get killed now.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Everything Is Under Construction


Dear Diary …

Alright this is me kind of complaining about my own backyard, but I think everyone can relate to this situation. And also, I’m fairly confident that many can share in this situation because the entire city of Roanoke is under construction right now. What the heck is going on here?

Everywhere I turn … highway … secondary road … residential street … they’re digging something up.

And I’m trapped by ‘em … I live near the Towers Shopping Center, and that road currently looks like a large earthquake ripped it apart about a week ago. And if you think you’re gonna be able to escape it by going to the other side of the shopping center … that construction is even worse over there.

Oh and if you get past it, Franklin Road is a mess … and if you get on the highway … well you can forget about it there too.

So you know where the escape is? Nowhere! There is no escape! We’re trapped!

Look … I’m all for making improvements, plus the jobs everybody gets for doing the improvements, but was it really necessary to do ALL of these improvements at exactly the same time?

Oh I don’t know … How about we take all these people, put ’em on the same job, and bang it out in an hour, instead of having 247 different projects running at the same time that all take six months to complete?

I drive a car that wasn’t made in this century … any extra time I gotta spend in it is unpleasant. It’s got 18 years of farts in that upholstery!!

OK … moving on Diary … I’d like to pass along a little helpful hint to everybody out there …

If you own a house … yes … you own that house … and the lawn … and you’re technically even responsible for the sidewalk in front of the lawn … but one thing you don’t own is the parking space on the street in front of your house.

Why do so many people act like it’s the most egregious injustice of humanity if somebody else DARES park in that parking space?

That’s MY space!

Yes. On a public street. That you don’t own.

Hey … I get it … It’s the space closest to your house. So it’s definitely the most convenient place for you to park, but it’s not your God-given right to always park there.

I mean … if your argument was correct … that you own the space in front of your house and nobody else can park there … then where does anybody else on Earth park when they leave their house? By your logic, they’ve left the one parking space on the planet that they own … so now what?

And the best part is these people who think they “own” the space … Guess what happens if there’s a pothole there? Oh now they’re suddenly they’re on the phone with the city, complaining about how they need to get down there and fix their road.

But I thought YOU owned it? So if you do, you get out there and fix the pothole then.

You don’t own that space. It’s nice if you get to use it, but other humans can park there too.

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye.

I Will Never Grow

Dear Diary …

I’m a family man now. Wife. Two kids. House with a fence. All that stuff.

And when you become a family man, you learn to have new perspectives on things in your life. You may have thought a different way in your youth, but now you are older and wiser, and you have things figured out a little better.

For example … I have learned that my family will never allow me to grow beyond where I am today. This is it for me. Break out the camera and take a picture, because I’m on the top of my Mount Everest, and I will never get beyond where I am today!

And I say this because any time I try to do things to grow beyond this point, the family springs into action and squashes them.

Now … I prefer to look at it this way … I have everything I could possibly need to be happy. So I can sit here and bask in the glory of the things I have.

Yeah … I look at it that way because the alternative is that these people are holdin’ me down, man, and I’m just trapped in their web. Never to escape. Welcome to the stationary bike of life old man … cuz you ain’t gettin’ nowhere no matter how hard you pedal!

So yeah … I’m … the first one and stuff about the being perfect and happy. That one.

OK so I know you’re asking … how can you say that? What are you even talking about?

I’ll give you an example …

I wanna do this little side project thing on YouTube. Cuz, you know, people get rich on YouTube, and I think the idea is pretty good. So that involves learning video editing … putting the videos together … basically taking some time and concentration to get it done.

And every time I sit down to do it … All of a sudden it’s as if I’m just a giant magnet, and everybody in the house is immediately sucked into the room and stuck to the side of me. Askin’ stuff …

“Daddy I want Cheez-Its”
“Can you come outside with me so I can ride my bike?”
“What are we having for dinner? What are you making?”
“I’m meeting some friends for wine, can you watch the kids?”

AHHHH!!!!

See … no focus. No time. And no grow. This is it.

And it’s not just the family … the universe is in on this too. And they think they’re hilarious with the ways they mess with me.

So I dabble from time to time in the world of daily fantasy sports. You know, those websites with the really annoying commercials with the guy dancing around with the big check that you never gonna win? Yeah … those things.

So the baseball season starts, and I put some money in for the first couple days. And I … STINK. Hello last place! And goodbye money! You know that emoji with the money with the little wings on it? Yeah … it’s that. So obviously, this is not making me happy.

So I decide … You know what? I’m that choice A thing … the one where I have everything I need to be happy. I ain’t gonna play this anymore.

But then the next day, I get a text message from a friend of mine, “Hey I got a free entry to try to win $2. Throw me together a lineup cuz I don’t know baseball.”

OK fine … stink anyway … who cares? I throw it together. And what happens? It is the greatest lineup in the history of my career. A lineup that would’ve won ANY of those contests that end with some guy dancing around with a big check.

But what did it win here? $2. And nothin’ else cuz I didn’t use it. Now even when I DON’T play I’m in a bad mood!

Thanks a lot universe! You are HI-LARIOUS!

So yup … this is it for me. The wall. Hit it. Done.

But remember … we’re going with the whole “Choice A … this is awesome” thing. Right? [[SNIFF]] … Right??????

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Tiny Pieces of Plastic


Dear Diary …

Ultimately … we are all servants to one all-powerful ruler who controls all of us and everything we are able to do in life. It’s not a person. And not a spiritual being. It’s much smaller than that. And yet … despite it’s size, it has a power over virtually EVERY person on Earth. You are not in control … it is in control.

You see Diary … the entire world is run by tiny pieces of plastic.

I don’t care how big and strong and technologically advanced anything is that we use in this world … when it breaks … it breaks because it was held together by tiny pieces of plastic.

Every time something breaks on my car (and it’s an 18 year old car, so things break all the time). It’s not a giant piece of metal that breaks … it’s a tiny piece of plastic. I’ve replaced the door handle in my car four different times now. And the reason is the same every time … despite the fact that this door is 200 pound hunk of metal … there’s a tiny little nubbin’ of plastic that connects the handle to the actual door … and this tiny little nubbin’ breaks all the time. 3,000 pound car … totally held at the mercy of a 17 cent piece of plastic.

Recently my vacuum broke … and this is one of those schmancy ones with the big rotating ball on the bottom and the weird German guy in the commercials that tells you it’s the most sophisticated vacuum in the universe. Yeah … well … it broke. And I knew it! I was convinced it was some dumb little piece of plastic.

So I took that thing apart … and that’s exactly what I found … random tiny piece of plastic that had broken off. The entire vacuum held hostage by another evil little nubbin’. Fixed the piece of plastic … vacuum works fine. And here’s how dumb the plastic is … there was a piece of metal in that vacuum and I just took it out. Extra part! Vacuum still works fine. The metal doesn’t hold it back. The plastic does.

We are so dumb. We build these big, fancy, expensive things … and then we have them held together by tiny, fragile, flimsy little things. Stupid pieces of plastic. And we don’t do anything about it … we keep letting it happen. We’re not in charge … the plastic is in charge!

OK … moving on Diary … Here’s another reality we’ve all been denying … bananas suck.

And yet … they’re like the most popular food in the world. Why?

You buy bananas and they’re fine in your house for about a day and then they become fruit fly paradise once they insta-rot on your counter. One day … fine. Next morning … brown, mushy, and terrible.

And furthermore … lets be honest … I think we’re all trying to convince ourselves that we actually enjoy the taste and mealiness of a banana. I get like “instant stomach ache” when I eat one, and the consistency can best be described as “mushy chalkiness.” Not appealing!

Put ‘em in a fruit salad … they instantly make that fruit salad worse. And banana flavored things? No thank you.

And the banana split … what is by far the worst ingredient of the banana split? The banana! Ice cream, hot fudge, nuts … all tasty things … Sandwiched together by one useless piece of fruit that’s just there so we can lie to ourselves and claim there was something healthy in the bowl.

“Oh but htey’re so cheap. That’s why we get ’em.”

Well guess what? They’re cheap for a reason … they’re lousy.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

I’m Gonna Use the P-Word

Dear Diary …

Alright … I’m gonna do it. This is probably a terrible idea, but I’m gonna do it anyway. I’m gonna use the P-word …

Politics

[[[Insert panicked screaming and chaos that you would totally be hearing right now if you were listening to this Anger Diary as opposed to just reading it]]]

OH MY GOD!!! WHY IS HE DOING THIS??? I NEED TO FREAK OUT NO MATTER WHICH SIDE I’M ON AND WHO I’M VOTING FOR … AHHHH!!!

OK breathe …

We can do this.

And as shocking as it may seem … I actually think I have something to talk about here that we can ALL agree on.

This whole primary thing that we got going on right now … Can we all just band together and agree that this thing is stupid? Why are we dragging it out for so long?

Look … it made sense back in the 1800’s when the candidates had to take a wagon to each state just to go talk to people. Of course it had to be spaced out! Heck … it took three days just to “travel into town” to buy a goat pr whatever it was. They needed time for stuff.

But now … we don’t need the time. All it does is draaaaaag everything out … month of painful month of having to listen to these toolboxes fight with each other over every little thing. Nothing that’s been done in these past six month couldn’t have been covered in about two or three Skype interviews to the whole country.

And what’s worse … let’s admit it … most of us don’t really pay much attention to any of the actual facts or details of these different campaigns. So when one person does well in the first few primaries, we are all just a bunch of followers that fall in line and start voting for that person. And even if there’s another candidate you like better, you think “Well he doesn’t really have a chance, cuz he didn’t win Iowa, so I’ll just vote for the other guy instead.”

And by the way … the states that are leading the way … like Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina … THESE are the states we are letting be in charge of picking the potential leader of the Free World?

What is wrong with us? If you were buying something online … you would never say “Well … let me look at the reviews of this product before I spend my money, but let me only pay attention to reviews from people who live in Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina.”

You wouldn’t do that!

And that’s for buying pants … meanwhile this is for PRESIDENT!!!!! We’re insane that we let this happen!

The amount of time … and money … WASTED by this whole stupid process that the majority of Americans would be happy to have eliminated anyway is ridiculous.

Two votes … two weeks apart. Half the country one time …The other half the next time. And two debates … one before each vote. There … done.

I just saved us all about a hundred million dollars and six months of aggravation.

It’s not that hard. The problem is … we have created a powerful legion of morons that run this country, and its virtually impossible to crack thru. So instead … you gonna just have to watch that one lady you don’t like take on that other guy you don’t like for the right to compete against some other guy that you don’t really like much either. ‘Murica!!!!

There .. I talked about the P-word and we didn’t go crazy, right? Oh wait … you’re already constructing signs and planning the anti-Zack rally? [[SIGH]] OK … nevermind.

Till next time Diary … I say goodbye.

You Are So Lame


Dear Diary …

I have held my tongue for long enough, but I can’t do it anymore. And a lot of you aren’t going to like what I’m about to say, but you need to hear it. You … are LAME! You used to be cool, but now you’ve grown up, and you’ve grown up TOTALLY lame.

What hapened to you?

For example … I had a friend on Facebook the other day complaining that “there aren’t any G rated movies in the theater for me to take my kids to.” G??? Are you kidding me with this? You can’t take your kids to see Kung Fu Panda? “Oh but it’s PG, what if there’s a fart joke in there?” Oh my God … do you hear yourself right now? You sound like the lamest person on Earth. I got two kids, and their life is one big fart joke. I think if a cartoon panda drops one down, it ain’t gonna make one bit of difference.

The world ain’t G rated … deal with it. You don’t have to take ‘em to see Deadpool, but there’s no reason to be so uptight about the whole thing. Actually Deadpool is another great example where you have grown adults saying, “Oh my God the language!” Would you unbutton your corset for one second and chill out?

I got another friend asking everyone on Facebook … “My daughter wants the new Taylor Swift album. Do you think it’s appropriate for a 10 year old?”

Who do you think Taylor Swift is targeted to? Any older, and she doesn’t wanna listen to her anymore anyway! You are SO lame!

And I got news for you Lame-O parents that think you’re protecting your kids from all the bad stuff … YOUR kids are the ones that get older and go buck wild. Cuz you didn’t let ‘em do anything when they were younger, and now they just can’t control themselves.

“My kids aren’t allowed to have sugar!”

Yeah … well guess what? They gorge themselves on it when you’re not around!

And you with the G-rated no bad things ever said or done ever ever?

Yeah … I went to college with your kids. They’re the ones that go to their first party and up losing their pants and falling asleep inside a dumpster cuz they’re SOOOO excited to sip beer for the first time. There you go. Hope you’re happy. Good job keeping ‘em away from Kung Fu Panda … that totally worked out!

And this is all an extension of the bigger problem … the internet. Yup … I blame the internet for pretty much all of our problems. And in this case mainly because it is now way too easy to complain. Wanna boycott something? Just click here to sign a petition. Wanna complain about something you don’t like? Just start blathering on on your own Facebook page.

I miss the good ol’ days of having to write a letter. And not because I want to write letters. Cuz I don;t.

It’s because I know most people are WAY too lazy to actually sit down and write a letter. In the good ol’ days, their silly little complaints used to just drift away once a shiny object distracted them from whatever it was they were mad about. Now … they can complain right from the convenience of their smartphone. No thank you.

The moral of the story? Loosen up! You got one life to live … stop living some lamely!!! You’re bringing the rest of us down with your loser talk.

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye.

Do Better

Dear Diary …

Not good enough!

We have so many great things in this world … and for that I’m happy. But there are certain things, we’re just slackin’. We need to do better.

This is ‘Murica … we’re awesome! We need to fix these things. And you know what? They’re global issues anyway, so even if we’re not smart enough to fix ‘em, we can at least mooch of some Japanese technology or whatever to git r done.

For example … at this point in our technological advances, the DVR should NEVER cut off the end of a show you’re recording. Unacceptable!

Over the weekend … lots of people excited about the return of the TV show “The X-Files.” Now I never got into that show, but that doesn’t matter, lot of people did. So they’re excited. They set their DVR … only to find out Monday morning that they have 20 minutes of football post-game blah blah blah … and then no end of the X-Files.

By the way … post game analysis of any sport is the dumbest waste of TV space on Earth.

“Hey you just watched the whole game, now let’s play it back again and tell you things you already know.” Total waste.

Regardless, the TV should know that football ran late and should automatically adjust to make sure you don’t miss the next show. There is NO way that that’s that hard of a technology to implement.

There’s nothing worse than sitting down to watch a show on your DVR, being all excited, only to see … “Hey uhh … wait a minute … this isn’t my show. This is the President talking. Oh man!”

Unacceptable. Do better!

Here’s another one … making you fast for 8 hours with no food or drink before going to the doctor. Why? And you know what? Don’t tell me why. I don’t what your medical nerd answer. I just want it fixed.

I had to do this recently to get a cholesterol check-up, cuz mine was a little high. So I gotta go thru an entire workday with no food or drink before the test … like we can’t differentiate between blood drawn from a person who had a bowl of cereal in the morning vs. blood from someone who didn’t.

And here’s the kicker … Here I am … Having to lower my cholesterol. So you know eat better and exercise and all that garbage. And what do I do right after the test? Eat a gigantic cheeseburger because I’m starvin’ to death. This is counter-productive to the whole goal of lowering cholesterol anyway! Do better!

Or what about ice makers … yeah … Ice makers! OK sure … things like “clean drinking water” … they’re priority #1. But now that I got that, and I got a fancy ice maker, why must it be so inconsistent with its output of ice?

Ice cube tray totally full … nothing blocking the tubes … and sometimes I just gotta sit there … like a dummy … CLNNNG CLNNNG CLNNNNG CLNNNNG … CLINK … One cube. CLNNNG … CLNNNG … CLNNNNG

Then, of course, the next time I go and I touch anything it’s like the Niagara Falls of ice cubes cascading out of chute, over the glass, onto the floor. Smashing everywhere in the process.

There is no reason for this to happen! We are smarter than this, and all of these things are easily fixable. We’re just being lazy about not doing it. Like when I go to the ATM and it says … “Please Wait While We Load Your Settings” … and then the first thing it asks me every time right after that is, “What language would you like to use?”

Shouldn’t that be part of the settings? Shouldn’t that be the ONLY setting? What other setting are there on an ATM anyway?

Do better!

That’s it. I got nothing else. Do better. And I know I’m not doing it because I’m not smart enough, but some nerd is. Fix it … now!

Till next time Diary, I say goodbye.

Never Gonna Potty Train

Dear Diary …

That’s it. I’m done. I can’t do it anymore.

I cannot change another freakin’ diaper!

I can’t! I’m gonna lose it!!

Now I know people got way bigger problems than me … but in that moment … that stinky … doo doo infested moment … All hope is lost.

My son is almost 4 years old, and he still won’t poop in the toilet.

And don’t even waste your time trying to give your “helpful advice” … I don’t want it. Cuz it’s never gonna happen. Total despair!

We’ve tried everything Diary … Really trying to get him to do it. Not trying at all and letting him figure it out “on his own time.” We’ve even tried the wonderful parenting method of lying to him and telling him that the Poop Monster will come in the middle of the night and YANK it out of him if he doesn’t do it in the toilet.

Hey … judge all you want … that method totally worked on my daughter. Poop Monster had her trained in no time.

But my breaking point came last week … when my wife had this brilliant idea “Oh we’re just make him walk around bottomless all day. That’s what Blah Blah did with her kid and it worked because he hated the feeling.”

Yeah well Blah Blah’s kid ain’t our kid, cuz he don’t hate the feeling.

I don’t think he even knows the feeling of when he’s gotta go and how to get it out, because I’m in the living room minding my own business while Bottomless Jones is just sittin’ there on his knees, playing with his toys.

And I look over … and suddenly … AHHHHH!!! … There’s just a log layin’ there.

Shot right out like a sausage being inserted into it’s casing, and it’s just layin’ there on the back of his leg. Still connected to the tap too!

And him … he’s just sittin’ there … playin’ Batman and not even reacting to this disaster scene that’s going on.

You know I never fully understood that whole song with the “Do the stanky leg” … but this seems like a pretty good representation of that.

Oh and Diary … of course I’m calm … cool … and collected.

Oh who am I kidding? I’m freakin’ out … OH MY GOD THERE’S A SITUATION IN HERE! CODE BROWN! CODE BROWN!

So you see what I saying here? There’s no hope. I don’t wanna hear your advice … I just wanna be heard! Ain’t that what ladies say all the time? Well I’m saying it too.

And really it’s just part of the bigger picture of this rant … Why are kids so gross?

And more importantly … Why do they not even care how gross they are?

That’s what blows my mind. I mean just yesterday, I’m sitting on the couch next to Stanky Leg … with pants on this time at least. And he just smells retched … dropping gas bombs left and right. Meanwhile he had just eaten a big bowl of Doritos, so he had Dorito dust all over his face, and now he’s just sucking on his orange Dorito fingers while his entire hand is jammed in his mouth.

Uh … gross. And how does he not care that he’s that disgusting?

You know, don’t bother trying to find a diet plan this January that works best for you. Just sit next to Mr. Sour Fart Dorito Face and you won’t eat for a week.

So jealous of you jerks that decided not to have kids sometimes. Hate you so hard!

Alright well … pep talk over.

Till next time Diary … I say goodbye.

Leftovers Daredevils

Dear Diary …

This is one of those times where … when you look at the calendar … you realize we need to come together as a people. Put our difference aside … join hands … and pray. Pray for those brave individuals who risk their own personal safety, to still be eating Thanksgiving leftovers today. Cuz those daredevils are insane!

Hey I get it … Thanksgiving food is delicious. And Thanksgiving leftovers are great too, but we are now almost SIX days past that delicious bounty. And before you get all “Zack can’t count, it’s not that many days.” Look here bucko … that food was made the morning of Thanksgiving. Heck, some of it was probably made the night before, but even if it was that morning we’re talking Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday … Day 6.

I’m sorry, but the Diarrhea-O-Meter risk factor has gone too high for me. Not worth it.

“But it’s my Grandma’s stuffing.”

Yeah … sure … that deliciously absorbent tub of wet bread and eggy goodness. That … oh by the way … probably sat out on the table for a solid six or seven hours ON Thanksgiving. Just festering right in the Germ Zone. And growing spores of naughty little things that wanna tear up your insides.

Just say no.

“It’s my body. It I wanna take the risk, that’s on me.”

Sure … that may be true. But your body also ends up with unfortunate results and stenches that affect the rest of us.

Leftovers. Three days. Done.

Non-negotiable. Unless you wanna knock it down to one or two … that’s the only place that we have wiggle room.

So I’m gonna tell you right now … if you’re at work today and you see Thanksgiving leftovers in the fridge, you are legally allowed to throw them away without any repercussion. You are doing it for the safety of all of us.

OK … moving on Diary …

I’ve learned something in my parenting adventures … I HATE CANDY.

And not “Oh I love Snickers, but I hate Twizzlers. Or I hate lollipops, but I love Kit Kats.” No … I hate it all. Has nothing to do with individual tastes … it just has to do with its very existence in my house this time of year.

It, of course, starts with Halloween … where the children manage to haul in giant bags of sugary goodness from their trick or treating. And then every day, all I hear about is their candy.

“Where’s my candy?”

“When can I have another piece?”

“Can I hold the bag?”

“I just wanna count it.”

NO! Go away you little addict!

Fast forward a month fighting that battle every day, and here we are FINALLY getting to the bottom of these evil little candy bags. And then … Christmas Parade. You know … the place where everybody else in town dumps their leftover candy onto unfortunate saps like myself, who have to helplessly stand by and watch their children’s candy reserves build right back up to their evil Halloween levels.

And even better that now it’s everybody else’s crappy candy leavins … so it’s not even stuff worth stealing to eat when they go to bed.

Ugh … so sick of candy.

I guess if there’s a silver lining in all this, it’s that finally there’s some reason to look forward to sucky January when everybody eats giant bowls of diet lettuce or whatever, and all the pieces of candy are finally eradicated.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.